Fake testicles, co-sleeping and play dates – ‘it’s a dog’s life’ has whole new meaning
HAVING a drink at a dog-friendly bar at the weekend, I got chatting to a fellow dog owner who’d noticed our own hairy baby contentedly napping under the table.
The conversation turned to what we did with our four-legged friends when we went to work. You see, dog owners, just like parents, love to judge each other.
“We’re very lucky,” I smugly shared, “my husband and I work different shifts, so the dog is never alone for more than an hour or two.”
I waited for the guilt-tinged sigh as she confessed she left her dog alone eight hours a day. But it never came because my new friend shells out for doggy day-care. My smugness evaporated.
People who spend hundreds of euro a month making sure their dog isn’t alone while they’re at work are definitely winning at puppy parenting – but do some of us go too far?
A friend recently asked if we might be interested in a play date with her neighbour’s new arrival. He’s shy and awkward in group settings, and the couple are worried he’ll develop problems if he doesn’t start socialising soon.
The couple are definitely guilty of over-thinking their pup’s development. Like those who won’t let their pooch drink from a communal water bowl in case they “catch germs”, who insist they wear coats when it’s raining and won’t let them chomp on anything unless it’s raw, vegan and ketogenic, they’re helicopter pet-parenting.
But spare a thought for the puppy parents across the Atlantic who have taken fretting to a whole new level.
Let me introduce you to Neuticles, prosthetic testicles for neutered pets that have been growing in popularity Stateside of late. According to their inventor, Neuticles allow your pet “to maintain its dignity and self-esteem” in the wake of the chop. Kim Kardashian West’s Boxer is one of the 500,000 US animals who have been surgically implanted with the silicone testes. And fake testicles aren’t the only procedures available. Plastic surgery for pets – eyelid lifts, snout jobs, chin lifts and even tummy tucks – is a growth area in America.
I’d never put our dog under the knife for anything other than a life-saving procedure, but I do find myself worrying about his mental state, fretting about his diet. If I’m honest, I fight the urge to treat him like a child on a daily basis, and with varying degrees of success. Ever heard of co-sleeping? It really is the dog’s b****x.
What’s the pint?
PRINCE Harry has always struck me as the royal with the most potential for having ‘the craic’, an opinion that’s only been strengthened by his decision to marry an American actress whose last trip to Dublin involved sampling the capital’s nightlife. So imagine my horror when I read that over their lunch at a trendy Camden Street restaurant, the newly weds had shared a half-pint of Guinness. A HALF-PINT!?
That’s just not behaviour becoming of royalty. Off with their heads, I say...
Water, water everywhere…
MILLENNIALS, it seems, are saving the planet, one avocado at a time. Well, not exactly, but a new survey has revealed that those aged 18-34 are far more worried about climate change than their, ahem, elders.
But thanks to the recent heatwave, I already knew this.
The weather, usually just a banal conversation starter, has sparked deep divisions nationwide. While some have been running naked through the fields performing ancient pagan rituals in a bid to summon the rain clouds (let’s call them heatwave-haters), the rest of us have been worshipping at an equally godless altar, letting loose at yet another boozy barbecue where we give thanks for the soaring temperatures late into the balmy evening.
Spurred on to a new level of citizenship by this crisis, I’ve been trying do my bit by monitoring, and curbing, my water usage.
And I am ashamed to confess that, up until now, mine’s has been a wasteful existence.
Tap left running while I pace around the bathroom brushing my teeth? Check. Filling the kettle to the max for one cup of coffee? Check. Turning on the shower and then going off to text my friend/ feed the dog? Check.
I mentioned all this to a colleague with a young daughter.
“Oh no, I wouldn’t get away with that,” she told me, “the teenager would kill me.”
I guess it makes a nice change to not be blaming Generation Y for yet another untimely death (threesomes, the EU and breast rants are just some of the untimely demises they’re charged with). Although having recently read that avocado farmers are under threat from climate change, I suspect an ulterior motive.