Woman Who Hasn’t Had Sex For 39 Years takes a flight of fancy

THE Woman Who Hasn’t Had Sex For 39 Years was abducted by aliens. Which was very bad form by the aliens and they could be in serious trouble if the Garda catches them.

Mrs 39 is alright though. She enjoyed the experience. The aliens were very nice to her “but”, she said, “the tea never tastes the same out foreign”.

“The milk was long-life UHT. But you would expect that out of aliens, who have to travel long journeys across space where you wouldn’t see a shop from one end of the day to the next. And there was no sign of a pub either, which was no harm, no harm at all.”

Outer space is like rural Ireland then. The pub reference was a dig at me. Her ex-husband was a raving alcoholic and treated Mrs 39 very badly when he was drunk. Mrs 39 is not in the best of form these days. She’s lashing out.

Do you know the way that in planes – and I am sure in spaceships too – the stewards show the emergency exits? Well here’s a newspaper version of health and safety. My health and safety.

I have no way of establishing the truth or otherwise of the alleged allegations against the aliens. This newspaper does not have the resources to pursue aliens and so I was unable to get a comment from an alien.

I contacted White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders regarding the very serious allegations made by Mrs 39 against President Donald Trump, which arose out of an alleged incident that allegedly occurred when the aliens dropped Mrs 39 on the roof of Trump Towers.

I am using all these ‘allegeds’ to be on the safe side. The defamation awards in America are even bigger than in Ireland. Everyone seems to sue for 50 million. We won’t be long catching up here, the way we are going.

It seems there are no toilets on the spaceship. The aliens are far more advanced biologically than we are and they do not pass water. The reason the aliens dropped Mrs 39 on the roof of Trump Towers was for a toilet stop.

She’s not well at the moment, as sometimes happens to the best of us. Mrs 39 was in great form until fairly lately.

I reported here she had opened up the top button of her blouse during the heatwave, put on a bit of make-up, went for a paddle in Ballybunion, and even took off the tea cosy hat for the first time in public since she last had sex 39 years ago and a bit.

The fortieth will be on top of us any day now and I doubt very much if there will be a party.

The trick is not to take too much notice of Mrs 39 when she hits bad form. She has alienated herself from a good few people who should have known better than to take offence when she’s out of sorts. It’s not the real Mrs 39 who is on view but the Mrs 39 who is temporarily in bad form.

When she said to me I had bandy legs and big ears, I didn’t take it personally. But I did check in the mirror.

I just checked my emails and there is still no reply from Sarah Huckabee Sanders. No blame to the poor girl, who is trying her best to put a good spin on nuclear conflagration and jailing immigrant children.

Mrs 39 says that when the aliens dropped her off for the toilet stop on Trump Towers, the president welcomed her. Mrs 39 said the president was very palsy-walsy with the aliens, which leads me to believe it’s not the Russians who are controlling Trump but the aliens.

This could be the new Roswell. Here is Mrs 39’s statement. For the record: “He (Trump) invited me into his apartment and offered me a cup of tea but even though I was gasping, I refused as there were no toilets in the spaceship. Although the aliens did promise the next time they bring me for a drive, they would use the 193 which does have a toilet.

“Anyway, Trump gives me this remote control, like the one you would use to turn on the television with, and he says: ‘Honey, if you press that button there, it will send nuclear missiles to blow up Iceland’.

“So I ask Mr Trump is that Iceland the shop or Iceland the country? Then he tries to kiss me but I fight him off and walk out the door and straight into the ship to the aliens who were absolute gentlemen.”

I know. I know. Poor Mrs 39. There was no sign of her for a few weeks. She says she was off for a drive in the 138 with the aliens. But one of the neighbours, who never takes any notice of Mrs 39 when she is a bit off, told me Mrs 39 went away for a rest.

ISENT her up a CD of Daniel O’Donnell. Mrs 39 finds Daniel’s music very soothing and so do I. I really got to like Daniel and his wife from watching them on the television. Funny, isn’t it, how we grow to dislike people we never even met. I used to think Daniel was a smarmy, goody-goody millionaire mammy’s boy but he seems like a very decent, funny-in-a-good-way type of man.

I promised myself I would never again judge people I didn’t really know. There’s a reason why people are in bad form. All you have to do is delve. Mrs 39 I do know. There have been times when it took six months or even a year for Mrs 39 to get back to herself. My guess is once October 15 next is gone by, there will be a great improvement in her condition.

Those of you who have been following the story of Mrs 39 here will know her husband ran off with a 20-year-old over 39 years ago and Mrs 39 went off sex as a result.

Mrs 39 told me the last time she made love to her husband was on October, 1978. “Imagine Billy,” she said, sadly, “40 years.”

There’s always a reason.