Can a sexless ess marriage survive?
It’s not unusual for a couple’s sex life to slow down after tying the knot, but what if grinds to a halt? Tanya Sweeney explores why some relationships turn celibate it
The parenting site Netmums is no stranger to an incendiary topic or two, but a recent post gave even the most hardened user pause for thought. Posting anonymously under the handle Anom D, a distraught man admitted he had sought medication to lower his libido after his partner of 11 years refused counselling to try to rediscover the spark in their love life.
He wrote: “I have a high sex drive, but my wife has no libido — she admits to not wanting sex, she says she never really enjoyed sex, which is new to me as when we first got together, it was great.
“She has very low self-esteem, and although I give her lots of loving, say the right things, in the past bought her nice things, nice lingerie, she works a couple of hours a week, I even cook most evenings. But recently, I feel life is wasting away and my wife just says it is not her problem, she does not [want] counsellingg or... to see the doctors as there is nothing wrong.”
It wouldn’t bee unusual for a couple’s lovevve life to start off as a sizzling,zling,z red-redhot sex fest, thennn to ease into a, well, less athletic routine once thee novelty wears off. But whwhathat of the rise of the marriageiagei in which there is nnoo sex at all?
Anom D is certainly not alone in his predicament: Loose Women star Saira Khan ( right) shed light on the sex-free marriage when she admitted she didn’t want to have sex with her husband. Khan had told her husband Steve that he was free to sleepp with other women. The story wentent viral aroundd the world in 2016, sparking ththe blue touch paper on what is clearly a topic of growingrowing concern for many.
Top Google searches for sex and sesexualityx were spotlighted in a recent
New York TimTimes article. According tto author Seth StephenStephens-Davidowich, ‘sexlessexless marriage’ is the mmost googled phrphrase about sex a n— and marriage — even beating out ‘unhappy marriage’ and ‘ lloveless marrriage’i — and over 21,000 folks search for sexless marriage results every month.
According to relationship psychotherapist Trish Murphy, there are myths surrounding the rise of the sexless marriage. Chief among them is the idea that a woman’s sex drive wanes with age, while a man’s desire carries on full-throttle.
“Men’s libidos are suffering too, and I do link that to porn,” she says. “I don’t think it’s as simple [as incompatible sex drivers]. It’s quite complex, in fact. For men, on marriage, they agree to have sex with one person for the rest of their lives, and that’s quite daunting. For women, they often use the argument, ‘He only wants me for sex’. You can see why people get into a pattern of tetchiness and resentment.”
Rather, Murphy cites the breakneck pace of 21st century living as the root cause of this very modern malaise. We’re too tired, stretched and stressed, in other words, to add another must-do activity to the list.
“I think after the initial romantic phase, often the sex does naturally die down, but I think it’s largely to do with people under such duress and having such crazy demands in their life.”
The obsession with perfection, likely peddled by social media, also plays its part: “We feel we need to have the best body and be the best mother, sister, brother, or father we can be. We’re worried about our love life and about not being creative enough, and want to make it perfect. But we’re too exhausted to do it and it’s just another area of our lives that doesn’t measure up.”
Renowned relationship therapist Esther Perel has another take on things: “The roles that [a woman] inhabits [mother, caretaker, head of domestic responsibilities] are not roles that appeal to her sexuality,
to her sense of pleasure, or the selfishness that is inherent in pleasure,” Perel is quoted as saying. “Women often struggle to experience that sense of pleasure in the context of other relationships and family — how to hold on to themselves in the context of others.
“Traditionally, we have interpreted a woman’s desire as less — she must have less of an interest in sex. But no, it’s that women become less interested in the sex they can have. Because she’s interested in who she is, in what she’s feeling, in how she’s looking at herself and how she’s thinking — she’s turning herself on. So desire generally doesn’t have much to do with sexuality, but with inner criticism, lack of a sense of self-worth, lack of vitality, bad body image, you name it — because desire is to own the wanting.”
According to sex and relationship therapist Teresa Bergin, a sexless relationship is often the symptom of a deeper dysfunction.
“There are a lot of people struggling with the financial fallout of the recession, which isn’t a good context to develop intimacy of any frequency,” she says. “What I see is a lot of couples who have difficulty with non-sexual intimacy. They’re not spending time together or doing things together, and they’re just hoping for a sexual life together. Hoping that things will fall into place down the line. People take each other for granted — the business of the marriage works, but the intimacy doesn’t.”
The quest for bodily perfection has also undoubtedly affected bed-
room relations. “For women, that negative self-talk is huge,” observes Murphy. “Instead of sex being a wonderful exercise of togetherness, it becomes an exercise in self-criticism. For men, too, it can be a lot of self-worry, both about appearance and performance.”
The reasons for a dwindling sex life appear manifold, but the question soon looms large: is a sex-free relationship viable in the long term?
In examining the data from a sample of 77 couples, US sociologists Denise Donnelly and Elizabeth Burgess identified a handful of basic strategies in sexless marriages. About one-third gave up and stopped asking their partner. Others sought sexual gratification outside the marriage. For the majority, investing their energy in other things (work, school, hobbies) provided the greatest emotional relief. Some sought spiritual or self-growth. For another third of the sample, though, marriage or sexual counselling was the preferred route.
“I think a sex-free marriage is really difficult,” contends Murphy. “When you don’t have that kind of physical glue, you have to do a lot more of the other stuff and be a lot more consciously giving to your partner.
“What can happen to people if they don’t want to have sex, they start to flinch even if the other person instigates a cuddle, and soon even that can go,” asserts Murphy. “We are human beings that need physical contact. And it’s such an important thing to have a partner who feels attracted to you.”