How mammies really feel about adult children living at home
With more and more adult children living at home with their parents, Arlene Harris asks some Irish mammies how they really feel about the situation
As parents — and particularly for us selfconfessed Irish mammies — the moment your child flies the nest is bittersweet: you are proud to see them forging their way in the world, but untying the apron strings completely can be a difficult thing to do.
But with the housing crisis worsening, many adult children simply cannot afford to move out. And while this may initially be a source of secret joy for empty-nested parents, things can turn sour when the older generation realise they don’t have the same power over their children as they did when they were 16, and they can’t ground a 25-year-old for coming home at 3am.
Latest census figures show that almost 500,000 adults (over 18) are still living with their parents — and while they may be enjoying the comforts of home, their parents might not be quite so ecstatic.
Claire Moloney has two teenage sons and a 24-year-old daughter, who works as a beautician and has recently moved back home, but “treats the place like a hotel”.
“As parents, we’d do anything for our kids but my daughter was always the most work,” says the mother-of-three. “The boys don’t cause much trouble, but their sister is a drama queen — it’s her way or the highway.
“She moved out for a while at 21 to live with her boyfriend, but when they split up she came home. After evicting her brother out of her old room, she started to behave like she was still a teenager, expecting me to do everything while at the same time not contributing — either financially or physically. And whenever I suggest she should help out, she gets really defensive and rude — she is supposed to be an adult, but actually behaves more immaturely than her teenage brothers.”
Clinical psychologist Deirdre Donnelly says having an adult child living at home can be a tricky situation all round but parents, like Claire, must insist on respect.
“If your child is being rude and acting entitled, you do have a choice,” she says. “If you don’t want to be treated disrespectfully, communicate this message in a firm way. Be transparent about how you feel. Let them know what you will and will not stand for. And ask yourself if there is anything which might be contributing to their disrespect — such as letting them off the hook and not holding them accountable or constantly ‘helping’, and leaving them feeling suffocated.”
On the positive side of things, because the generation gap has been narrowed, sharing a home long after the teenage years can also be an enriching experience.
“Many adult children are returning home because they get along with their parents, unlike generations before them,” says O’Donnell. “If boundaries are respected, this can be a great chance to enjoy a fulfilling and satisfying connection as adults.”
Caoilfhionn Nic Phaidin agrees — she lost her husband just a few months ago and having her son, his girlfriend and their baby living with her has helped ease some of the loneliness.
“Iarla (25) and Alex moved in last November and they were a great help when my husband died,” she says. “With a baby on the way, they couldn’t afford a place of their own as Alex had to give up work to look after Eoin because childcare is so expensive and Iarla is in his final year at college, so there was no way they would have been able to finance a family home.
“On a practical level, they have been a great help — also it’s lovely having them around and to spend time with my grandson. Of course, sometimes I long for a little bit of peace as being of a different generation, they have so much more energy than I do. But we have no major issues and I am making the most of it as they won’t be with me forever and it’s a nice opportunity to get to know my son as an adult.”
While having one or two adult children at home can be fraught, Sandra Dillon and her husband John have all three of their offspring
The Irish mammy syndrome of doing everything doesn’t help
living with them. “For a while, both Nadine (28) and Jonathan (29) were living away, so there was just myself, John and Nicholas (21) here, but now we are all under the one roof again,” she says. “Nadine is in the process of buying a house with her boyfriend, but it’s very difficult for young people today to get on to the property ladder as prices are just crazy — even the rental market is out of control — this is why my children and so many others have to live at home.”
Sandra, who does voluntary work, says she loves her children dearly, but sometimes it can be difficult having a houseful of adults with different ideas of how things should be done.
“I told my kids that this would always be their home, but I didn’t imagine I’d still have them all living here,” she admits. “Don’t get me wrong, I love them to bits, but it can be hard. Nicholas has Asperger’s syndrome so can be very particular in his ways; Nadine is really picky about eating well so there’s often a bit of conflict in the kitchen as she wants to prepare her own meals and Jonathan often comes in late at night — or any of them might have friends over and I’d be stressing because John has to get up early for work and there is too much noise going on.
“So there definitely can be friction and it’s often over the most trivial things like someone drinking the last of my fat-free milk, finishing all the bread or taking my clothes out of the washing machine and putting their own on instead — just silly things like that, but it can be enough to drive you mad. It’s a case of what’s theirs is theirs but what’s mine is everyone’s.
“But I know part of the problem is that I still treat them like kids and try to do everything for them — it’s a habit that’s hard to break.”
O’Donnell says this is a very common problem. “Parents want to help but over-functioning for your offspring can lead them to under-function, which then impedes their ability to move out and make their own way in life,” she warns.
“The Irish mammy syndrome of doing everything doesn’t help and parents need to remember their child is an adult and needs to be doing things for themselves. Once in a while is fine, but when it becomes part of your regular pattern, it ceases to be healthy — it’s never in your adult-child’s best interest if you’re taking away their self-sufficiency or pride of accomplishment by doing too much for them.”