Know your sport:

Avoid a Shane Ross gaffe with our essential guide

Sport is a lot like politics — all that sweating, shouting and punching the air. Which is why Minister for Sport Shane Ross could be forgiven for feeling doubly embarrassed after mistakenly calling Ireland’s latest rowing gold medallist “Dominant Puspure” when her first name is actually Sanita.

The speculation is that the minister misunderstood a news headline reading “Dominant Puspure powers to world gold for Ireland” and ran with it like Usain Bolt pegging towards the finish line.

As he pauses to reflect on his error, this is probably a good time to inform him that Roy Keane’s first name isn’t ‘Furious’ and that the entire Mayo football team isn’t christened ‘Unlucky’. It is also the ideal moment to sit Minister Ross down to a refresher course in Irish sport. It’s only a few months, after all, since he praised rugby international Rob Kearney in a social media post featuring Rob’s brother Dave.

So for the benefit of the confused Mr Ross

(right) and anyone who thinks MMA is an illegal drug from the 90s, here is the ultimate guide to sport.

1. Hurling v cricket

Both are played with long wooden implements and require protective head-gear. However, cricket games last for days on end while hurling matches merely feel as if they last for days on end (and only in the case of Cork supporters watching their team throw away an eight-point lead with seven minutes to go).

One sport has also made inroads into farflung and exotic places. But while efforts to popularise hurling in Dublin continue, cricket already has a global footprint thanks to the British Empire. And if Irish people are genetically incapable of understanding the rules of cricket — all those overs, unders and sticky wickets — in the case of hurling, this rule only applies to those living north of Offaly.

2. Soccer v football

Soccer is at the top level dominated by prancing primadonnas for whom success is a triumph of commerce as much as talent and where the most successful sides are supported by arm-chair glory-hunters who, if they are trying really hard, might attend one or two games a season. Football is the sport where Dublin win every year.

3. Rowing v rowing

Rowing is when you get into a low-slung boat and pelt down a river at maximum speed. Rowing is what happens when you and your significant other get lost en route to a wedding and have a difference of views over whether to pull over and ask for directions. Each is equally compelling as a spectator sport.

4. The FAI v IFA

The FAI is the organisation that oversees grassroots soccer in Ireland and which is, at the highest level, represented by the international soccer team. The IFA is the representative body of the agricultural sector. Both have roughly the same chance of qualifying for the next World Cup.

5. ‘Notorious’

An adjective that can be applied to A) late rapper Biggie Smalls, B) Dublin MMA champion Conor McGregor or C) Shane Ross sitting down to write a press release.

6. 7. Rugger v chugger

In rugby, large men run around chasing an oval ball. With chugging, annoying people in baseball hats try to high five you as you’re running for your bus (hey, you’ve just missed it). In only one of these scenarios are you allowed wrestle your opponent to the floor and insert your knee their month.

Penalty shootout

Back in the day, the UK’s — okay England’s — preferred method of humiliating itself before the world. Then they came up with Brexit as an alternative.

8. The Mayo curse

The ancient juju by which certain unlucky individuals are born within the county bounds of the second largest county in Connacht and condemned to support the local football team to their dying days. As a dire warning to others, they are known to set down their unhappiness in ancient runes that read “Mayo 4 Sam”. Look away children, look away.

9. Hockey

This graceful field sport is essentially hurling minus the violence. Ironically, to Americans ‘hockey’ means hurling with added violence (and ice, but mostly the added violence).

10. The Special One

How Leo Varadkar refers to himself in his sleep. Previously, a phrase associated with soccer manager Jose Mourinho.

11. The Haka

Fifteen scary men making rude gestures and huffing indecipherably. Not to be confused with the upcoming Presidential election.

12. It’s coming home

What happened at the recent World Cup, when the trophy returned to the native country of the competition’s founder, Jules

Rimet.

13. Five in a row

The number of stiff drinks the rest of the country will need to calm down should Dublin win the All-Ireland next year.

14. The difference between the Kearney brothers

There are those who say Rob and Dave Kearney are virtual carbon copies with nothing to distinguish them. To this we cry, piffle. Rob’s favourite band is Coldplay “along with Mumford and Sons”. Dave is rumoured to be partial to The Killers. Could they be less alike?

This is probably a good time to inform Mr Ross that Roy Keane’s first name isn’t ‘Furious’