Martina Devlin

Our country needs you, Boris – it needs you to say nothing at all about Brexit unless you’ve got something constructive to add

‘There is no doubt that without the EU behind us, Ireland would be involved in an asymmetrical tussle with Britain. EU support lends comfort. But the fear is there’ll be a price to pay’

IHAVE a cunning plan for how to lance the boil otherwise known as Brexit negotiations. Boris Johnson should go to bed at once, pull the covers over his head and stay there until the deal is done and dusted. On no account should he speak, write or engage with media. And absolutely-positively on no account should he attend next week’s Tory party conference where he’d be unable to help himself stirring things up.

Bed. That’s the place for him. Curtains drawn, meals on a tray. I suggest he passes the time until the EU and Britain agree on an orderly Brexit – as they’re more likely to do without his megaphone diplomacy – by watching ‘Doctor Who’ episodes. Perhaps the BBC could kindly reprogramme the Daleks to chant “de-escalate” instead of “exterminate”.

To be on the safe side, Jacob Rees-Mogg should also adopt the take-to-his-bed plan. Likewise David Davis, along with his alternative Chequers proposal for a freetrade deal, as opposed to Theresa May’s idea to follow EU rules on goods but not services.

A harsh solution? These are not normal times. And Tory infighting will only delay matters.

And so to the Irish Border, source of what Mrs May calls the “impasse”. Other European countries won’t much notice if Britain stays or goes but we don’t share that luxury because of the 310-mile land boundary, plus our trading relationship with Britain.

I know some Remainers rest their hopes on a people’s vote regarding the divorce terms offered but I can’t see British people having a change of heart. It requires too much of a perceived climbdown.

So, here we all are, negotiating more or less in good faith, when a hand grenade is lobbed into the mix – the veiled sugges- tion about tying the surrender of Ireland’s 12.5pc corporation tax to EU support over Border arrangements.

If I were a conspiracy theorist I’d suspect Mr Johnson of being the agent provocateur. But France and Germany are the likely source, although it surfaced as a comment from an unnamed Brussels bureaucrat.

Irish officials need to initiate some diplomatic pushback against such opportunistic tax harmonisation whispers. Our corporation tax rate has nothing to do with the Border question and the two matters cannot be conflated.

There is no doubt that without the EU behind us, Ireland would be involved in an asymmetrical tussle with Britain. EU support lends comfort. But the fear is there’ll be a price to pay. “Give up yer aul’ sins,” the EU urges Ireland; renounce those corporation tax rates and to hell with the multinationals.

We can’t afford to do that. No doubt we are overly reliant and need to expand our tax base, but small countries must make their way as best they can. Besides, tax harmonisation loopholes exist Europewide – the Netherlands, Luxembourg and the Channel Islands spring to mind.

Apparently, the way to win asymmetrical quarrels – or at least avoid annihilation – is to target the other side’s weak points. There is always a risk of retaliation, as de Valera discovered with the economic war. But sometimes it’s a case of outlining a projected cause-and-effect scenario and waiting to see who blinks first.

That’s more or less what happened in Salzburg – a game of chicken between the EU and Britain which the latter lost. Mrs May has been told to find a solution to the Irish Border within weeks or risk a no-deal Brexit. British headlines haven’t made her situation any easier by focusing on her “humiliation” at the summit.

‘Humiliation for May as EU rejects Brexit plan’ said the ‘The Times’ of London, while the ‘Daily Telegraph’ leader warned: “If the goal of the Salzburg summit was to humiliate the prime minister, it was a success. If it was to alter British opinion about Brexit, it was a mistake. The UK does not respond to insult.” Take that, Johnny Foreigner.

Winter is fast approaching for Mrs May, who’s in for a bumpy ride at the Conservative four-day conference starting on September 30 – where a revolt is possible. And yet, do the Tories want to gamble on a general election and the strong possibility of Jeremy Corbyn winning the right to leave his bicycle in the hallway of 10 Downing Street?

Six months have passed with no measurable progress. Salzburg has added nothing of worth. But a deal won’t happen without concessions on both sides and Ireland may well represent the compromise zone. If only we could go to bed, too, until it was all over. Except – what would we wake up to?

EU chief negotiator Michel Barnier said it was time to “de-dramatise” the Border question with technical solutions. But anything that involves infrastructure, including lorries queuing between North and south, is a retrograde step.

Besides which, his language sets alarm bells ringing – de-dramatise could be a euphemism for unpalatable measures in Ireland.

In any case, the opposite to de-dramatising has happened. Possibly, Mrs May hoped to appear strong by refusing to compromise ahead of her party conference. In fact, she looked weakened when her Chequers proposals were rejected as unworkable, in what’s described in Britain as an ambush led by European Council President Donald Tusk.

The British smell perfidy. On the other hand, mistrust is a free-floating emotion and Ireland is just as entitled to harbour suspicions when tax harmonisation is pointedly added to the conversation.

Even now, it is hard to believe Britain will crash out. But it wants a Norway-style arrangement rather than a Canadian one. Canada, by the way, is involved in an asymmetrical battle of its own, a trade war with the US in the course of which Canada is considering whether to void US patents on medicines. Trade wars begin nasty – and intensify.

That’s what Britain is facing. Its greatest risk is being obliged to fall back on World Trade Organisation rules, meaning the introduction of tariffs on goods and services.

That would damage Britain’s economy and have knock-on negative consequences for Ireland. Chaos is threatened, too, by the end of the Open Skies agreement, underpinning flights within Europe – flights potentially could be grounded.

Mrs May said yesterday she cannot accept different customs rules in the North compared to the rest of the United Kingdom, or anything contributing to its breakup. Everyone keeps insisting they’re preparing for a no-deal Brexit – while being perfectly well aware that’s in nobody’s best interests.

Ireland realises it better than most – along our Border is where the impending pain will be highly localised. Our country needs you, Boris Johnson … to say nothing if you can’t manage anything constructive. Bed is a lovely place to rest quietly. You might find you like it.