Budget iSpy

Kim Bielenberg: Cowen wakes up the ‘eunuchs’, and frantic leaks remind us of poor Phil

Whatever about his ability to balance the books, Paschal Donohoe certainly did not wow his audience with magnificent flights of Churchillian oratory. Going 15 minutes over his allotted hour, the Finance Minister almost had them snoring in the aisles with his bombardment of jargon and platitudes.

He told us this was a “caring budget” that was about “securing our future” and “renewing the centre”. And he promised “70,000 housing solutions”.

What on earth are “housing solutions”? God be with the days when we called them homes. Or could a “housing solution” be a room in a bed ‘n’ breakfast – or a shed in the back garden?

After the longueurs of Paschal, it was left to Barry Cowen to wake members from their torpor by turning his fire on critics in other parties, who were content to sit on their hands.

Borrowing a line from Brendan Behan, Cowen said they were “like eunuchs in a brothel – they know how it’s done, they’ve seen it done every day, but they’re unable to do it themselves”.

Behan had another colourful phrase for swimming in the less than fragrant waters of Dublin Bay – “Going through the motions”. Paschal was certainly going through the motions yesterday.

It was only a matter of time before the minister’s effort was described by Joan Burton as a “Krispy Kreme budget”, leaving a bad taste in the mouth. Others worried that a donut budget will leave a hole in the country’s finances. Oh dear.