How to spot all those smug folk who are, grrr, #LovingLife in 2019
The annual exodus to Barbados is upon us, as pictures of sun-kissed, Pilates-honed celebrities wash up on the shores of red-top newspapers around the world. The January holiday to the Caribbean is something of a tradition among celebrities, who seem to prefer the white-sand beaches unspoiled by plebeians.
But celebrities aren’t the only people who escape to warmer climes in January. The New Year sun holiday is also popular among an elite group of civilians who somehow manage to squirrel enough money away for Christmas presents and a 10-day break in Goa.
In fact, you would think these insufferably smug globetrotters only go on holiday in January to taunt the rest of us. The start of the year is challenging by its very nature. What makes it even harder is the annual parade of the self-righteous.
Here’s your guide on how to spot them:
1. The Bargain Hunter
You’ll notice the aura of selfsatisfaction before you see the cult leather handbag that’s swinging proudly from the Bargain Hunter’s shoulder. She got it at half-price during the first hour of a department store sale. She also picked up 400 thread count bed linen “for next to nothing” and an Americanstyle fridge-freezer that they were “practically giving away”.
You want to be happy for her but you can’t help but compare her sales haul to your ‘no-mess’ waffle maker and a dress that you’re hoping to slim into. Your disgruntlement turns to outrage when she produces a pair of 40pc-off Celine sunglasses from her new bag. Show off!
2. The Dry January Enthusiast
He posted the news on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter but just in case you’ve been living under a rock for the last couple of days, the Dry January Enthusiast would like you to know that he’s giving up alcohol for an entire month.
You can find out more on the blog he set up to document the experience. Come week four, and he is delivering daily progress reports. On Day 31 and he is fully expecting praise, plaudits and perhaps a small trophy. Instead, he receives a monosyllabic text message: “Pint?”
3. The New Fitbit Owner
“Hit 22,000 steps,” says the New Fitbit Owner to no one in particular. That’s how many steps he has walked today, for your information. He can also tell you how many calories he has burned, just in case you’re interested. The New Fitbit Owner went on an overnight health kick after he was gifted the snazzy piece of wearable tech last month.
“Fitness is a lifestyle choice,” he tells anyone who’ll listen. His wife wishes she bought him a cordless drill instead.
4. The Goal-getter
While you spent New Year’s Day tending to a headache and peeling mushroom vol-au-vent off the soles of your stilettos, the goalgetter was up with the larks, researching 30-day fitness challenges. ‘Fail to prepare, prepare to fail’ is her motto, which is why she drew up a dream board, a health-yeating meal plan and a list of Q1 goals on the first day of the year. You want to tell her that your only goal for Q1 is to get to pay day, but it’s best not to risk a lecture.
5. The Juice-Dieter
Your blood composition is seven parts alcohol and three parts sugar. The top button on your now-skintight trousers is hanging on for dear life. Your gym bag has been under your desk for so long that it’s beginning to look like an artifact dating back to 2018 BC (Before Christmas).
Taking all of this into consideration, The Juice-Dieter should really know better than to brag about the three pounds that she has already lost on her liquidonly diet plan.
6. The Well-rested Person
Despite the sleep-ins and the duvet days, very few of us return to work well rested after the Christmas break. Well, all except one person who looks like she just spent the last week at a luxury yoga retreat in the Maldives. The well-rested person is ready to “hit the ground running” after a week of gentle hikes, bubble baths and general self-restraint. Just keep your head down — it’ll be Friday soon.
‘Fitness is a lifestyle choice’, he tells anyone who’ll listen. His wife wishes she bought him a cordless drill instead