‘I was a walking coffin’ – mother tells of despair at carrying baby who had died
A HEARTBROKEN mother described herself as a “walking coffin” as she carried around her precious child for three days, knowing she was lifeless in her womb.
Kristin Wall (37) had lost another baby in an ectopic pregnancy prior to becoming pregnant with little Robyn Grace.
But her life changed forever on February 17, 2013, when a noticeable lack of baby movement led to her world and future plans being shattered.
“I got ready like any other mother gets prepared to have a baby except I knew I’d be carrying my baby home in a coffin.
“The pregnancy was fine. “I had an early scan because of the prior ectopic pregnancy but that was all,” she said.
“I was 31-weeks pregnant and, knowing I was having a little girl, myself and my husband Robert had her name already picked – Robyn Grace.
“I noticed that her movements had slowed down.
“So I rang the nurses in the labour ward in Our Lady of Lourdes Hospital in Drogheda, who told me to come straight in.
“Robert and my four-yearold son Sam sat in the car while my mum Bernie came in with me.
“We had planned to go to the beach afterwards,” she said.
Ms Wall was sent for an in-depth scan where she vividly remembers the words: “I’m sorry, there is no heartbeat.”
“I started to panic and asked her to check and double check but the answer was still the same.
“Robert came in and I completely freaked out,” she added.
“I just couldn’t believe my baby was gone.”
As she was trying to make sense of what was happening, Ms Wall decided to opt for induction to give birth to her daughter.
“I was in complete shock,” she said.
“I remember thinking how am I going to get the baby out? I just wanted her in my arms.
“But I didn’ t want to have to go through labour, which of course I had to.”
Telling her little boy that his sister already had gone to heaven added to the twangs of guilt that Ms Wall was already feeling.
“Sam was devastated for a boy of such a young age,” she said.
“I felt so guilty that I wasn’t able to give him the sibling that he deserved.
“I was also feeling guilty, thinking it was something I did that caused my baby to die,” she said.
A few days later, Ms Wall packed tiny outfits to dress her baby in as she prepared to give birth.
“I didn’t know which end was up.
“All my future plans were suddenly gone.
“I was a walking coffin and I just wanted it to be over.
“I also felt a little dead – just numb – within myself,” she said.
After almost 12 hours of labour, Ms Wall gave birth to Robyn at 9.36pm on February 20.
And the mother-of–three from Navan, Co Meath, is now advising anyone else who finds themselves in a similar situation to take all the pictures they can before they have to bury their beloved baby.
“I was too afraid to look at
‘I also felt a little dead, just numb, within myself ’
her at first but, at 3lbs 7oz, she was perfect.
“The nurses, who were fantastic to me, took her to the mortuary after photographs and hand and footprints were taken,” she said.
Grief
“I had to put my baby in a white coffin. No parent should ever have to bury their child,” she said.
As Ms Wall struggled through the following days and months, trying to cope with her grief, a miscarriage six months later made her decide never to try for another child.
“I didn’t want to go through the heartbreak or the guilt again.”
But a shock pregnancy in 2015 led to baby Dylan, who is now four years old.
“Every step of Dylan’s pregnancy was terrifying,” she said.
“I bought my own doppler to hear his heartbeat constantly.
“I paid for private scans and even when he was born, I was too afraid to sleep in case he stopped breathing,” she added.
However, four years on and Robyn is still a major part of the Wall family.
“The pain of losing her has never eased but I’ve learned to live with it and we have made sure that she is still an integral part of this family,” she said.
“To anyone who has to go through the same nightmare, take as many photos as you can, while you can.”
She is urging businesses to light up on the global Wave of Light tomorrow.
The international Wave of Light at 7pm tomorrow remembers all the babies who were lost through late miscarriage, stillbirth or infancy loss.
“There are already 50 buildings and hotels nationwide lighting up on this day and I’m urging all other businesses to do the same.”
‘No parent should ever have to bury their child’