There’s a proven vaccine for a virus that afflicts the parrots among us – read the newspaper

Billy Keane

IDON’T think I could stick a parrot, especially if he or she was an African grey. We don’t get on. Can you imagine how tough it would be to be living with someone who keeps on saying the same things over and over again? The greys copy what we say and repeat our words to whoever happens to be listening. There are no filters. I would be fairly sure pet shop owners would not recommend African greys as pets to those of you who are having affairs or are spies.

Before I get on to the discovery that a good many Irish people are human African greys, we just have to tell you about a Covid conspiracy theorist.

You know the type. He thinks 9/11 was made up and never happened, or the Americans blew themselves up.

The conspiracy theorist is a very well-read man, on the net that is, and he came to the conclusion this whole pandemic lark was a hoax perpetrated by the world elite to keep us all in our place.

So my friend asked him: “How do you explain 100,000 deaths in America alone?”

The conspiracy man asked a ques- tion of his own: “Name one of them?” My friend was baffled.

The human African greys are always right, no matter what. There is only one shade and that is grey.

The new Irish Independent online subscription service has signed up thousands of readers since Covid came to Ireland. People look for a trusted news source in days when the accuracy of what you read can cost lives.

It’s just two months ago now since millions believed if we managed to hold in a breath for more than 10 seconds, it proved the coronavirus wasn’t in us. You could spot them out on the street, inhaling, and looking like they had a golf ball bulging inside either cheek.

How many did that kill? It wasn’t their fault. They had turned into African greys from reading the same old arseways net stories time after time.

The African grey only copies what people say. He is unable to form opinions of his own. He shares though.

There is an African grey living in Tuam in Co Galway who caused mayhem in the local park.

The African grey was barking like a dog. Then he was copying bird noises and if I was the parrot I would be very, very careful, as this is the mating season for birds.

The Tuam parrot’s name is Pixie and if you don’t believe me, there’s a video on the ‘Tuam Herald’ website.

My research proves conclusively 23.3pc of the people population of Ireland are African greys.

The signs are everywhere. Do you know someone who keeps on telling you the same old story time and time again?

Be patient. They can’t help it. The repeaters are parrots.

The situation is much more serious in America where the breakdown is about 50-50, according to recent presidential election opinion polls. The parrots are all voting for Trump.

Throw in the serial racists who welcomed the murder of George Floyd and you can clearly see Covid is not the only pandemic that hit our world.

Smokey, the rescue African grey from Co Louth, ran away from home.

Lynne Archer from the Collon Animal Sanctuary was distraught. It seems African greys will not survive in the wild but at the same time the exotic Collon bird used terrible bad language, which leads me to believe Smokey could wangle his way into an Irish conversation and people might not even notice he was a parrot.

Lynne is not to blame. She never uses bad words. I spoke to her and can confirm she speaks so beautifully you could put her reading the news. Smokey must have picked up the bad language from just listening to people talk.

Smokey is 25 and you would think that by now he would have more sense. The band Smokie’s big hit was ‘Alice’ and the chorus of “23 years of livin’ next door to Alice” is nearly always interrupted by a big shout of: “Who the f**k is Alice?”

Maybe Smokey the parrot got the bad example from Smokie the band, or was it the other way around?

The lost Louth loudmouth parrot was found by an Italian in Collon and he was a very nice man, according to Lynne. He saved Smokey’s life.

My advice is that anyone who comes into contact with an African Grey should self-isolate for 15 days. They get inside your head like hypnosis. The parrot will have turned you into a misinformed automaton before you know it.

Lynne is one of the lucky ones. She seems eminently sensible. Please support the Collon sanctuary.

The Irish are susceptible to African greys.

Take the last presidential election. Within a few days of first contact, 23.3pc – or 342,727 Irish people – were infected when they voted for Peter Casey, a man they barely knew. All he did was pass a few disparaging remarks about the Travellers. One squawk and the 342,727 voted African grey.

The Irish greys told the story of the thousands coming in from the UK via ferry at Easter time. Their big news was shared on the net and was believed.

The Fergal Keane from RTÉ, who is not my cousin, went to Rosslare port to check for himself. There were four cars on the ferry. Paul Manning is a close friend and he owns an African grey by the name of Louis. Paul’s mother-in-law May is 90 tomorrow and Paul shares the birth date. Louis will sing ‘Happy Birthday’.

I was granted an exclusive interview with Louis. By the way, Paul is immune. There is no saner or sounder man.

Louis wolf-whistled when I asked him if he was a clever and insidious mind-robber.

Louis used to be Lucy. Paul had been sold a male by mistake. It was only when the vet looked under the bonnet that the error was discovered.

Louis is understandably bitter, but that’s no reason to whistle down the phone when asked a tough question by an investigative journalist.

I am calling on Health Minister Simon Harris to introduce compulsory testing. Anyone who repeats the same saying or story must be screened forthwith.

Ireland must be checked for African grey DNA.

The good news is we have the vaccine.

Read the paper.

My research proves conclusively 23.3pc of the population are African greys... The situation is more serious in US, about 50-50