Ask Allison: ‘My toyboy wants me to move in. What do I do?’

Our resident therapist answers your queries about life and relationships

QI am in my early 40s, divorced, and I have been seeing a much younger man for about 18 months. He is in his early 30s and I met him at the gym. He wants us to move in together now that we’re in lockdown. I really like him, but to be honest, I was just looking for a bit of fun. My husband and I were unable to have kids due to infertility on his part so I had written off that path. But now I am wondering if I should have a rethink and make a go of it. I would be the much higher earner so I would imagine that may cause problems down the line. How will I know what’s the right thing to do?

AIt’s a major change when you have been married and decisions are made jointly, then find yourself having to go back to making your own choices. It must have been incredibly difficult to go through that journey with your ex-husband and to close off the possibility of having a child, only for it to now potentially return. It’s a major U-turn and one that needs time and reflection. Start with these questions:

1. Where do you want to live and with whom?

2. What would it be like to live together? Try to imagine it and list the potentially good and bad aspects.

3. What type of relationship do you want? If you know what relationship and commitment level you want, a baby is not going to change your feelings and could bring a host of new complications. This is where a cautionary flag is being gently waved. Moving in together is a big deal, especially at the moment.

Even down to physically moving you are very limited in the help you can get in lockdown. If it goes wrong the reality is a tough one and one that many people have experienced.

It is fully understandable that people have moved in together in lockdown; some decisions may have been pushed by restrictions rather than love. At the moment it’s about considering the short and long-term goals and how one can impact the other.

Do you love this man? Do you want a future together? If you don’t, you are not tied together yet. However if you have a baby then you are.

The baby needs also need to be fully considered as he/she would grow and have evolving needs. It is one of the most important decisions in your life and there isn’t a lot of support for people considering becoming a parent, so it’s not easy. It is worth noting that at this point you have enjoyed this relationship, but you seem comfortable at the level of connection that you have now.

So many factors could be influencing that. How do you feel about being on your own? Have you processed the relationship with your ex-husband?

It can be helpful to work through this with a therapist. The fear of being alone can lead to decisions that may not be the right fit. Do you know what type of attachment style you have? Here is a link to get a general idea as it can be very helpful to learn about how your attachment style influences your adult relationships — attachedthebook.com/ wordpress/compatibility-quiz/?step=1.

Fear of being hurt again can lead to keeping people at an emotional arm’s length. This can impact connection and fear of intimacy and vulnerability. Sometimes keeping things fun is a way of doing this or you may not want it to go any further. It’s really important for you to differentiate between the two.

Do you have financial fears of being the higher earner? What specific concerns do you have? Is this a conversation you’ve had together? Do you worry you could become resentful if it didn’t feel equal? What does money mean to you?

Take all judgement out of every single one of these questions and ask them with a curious and open mindset. Sex, money and power are three pivotal pressure points in any relationship.

Putting down any barriers and going in curious can be a revelatory experience. So many people never ask the fundamental

‘It is a really interesting experience to stand back and give yourself some space as you process important and life-changing decisions’

questions in life about how they want their life to be. Handing decisions over to others takes away your power. The person who knows you best is you, and if that creates a starting point to get to know yourself and what you want, then this might be the best question you have ever asked.

Take this time to get to know what is important to you and why. Timeline where you are and you could map out different future scenarios for yourself. Sit with each for a day or two to see what comes up for you. Take notes and be aware of feelings or memories that come up.

Observe rather than judge, it is a really interesting experience to stand back and give yourself some space as you process important and life-changing decisions.

You can go for a walk and think about everything.

Movement can be deeply cathartic and you may be surprised what comes to mind while out in nature.

Write out your thoughts or throw some ideas on paper with all your options. Choice is a great thing.

It can also create cognitive overload so it’s useful to take what’s in your head and heart and to put it all in front of you on paper.