Ireland’s only divorce coach on helping Irish couples through separation
Melanie Murphy from Dublin trained as a divorce coach after her own separation, and says marriages are under strain amid the pressures of the pandemic
Ihad been an executive and life coach for over 11 years when I went through my own separation and then divorce in January 2020. I used a lot of those coaching skills on myself to get me through it. I then trained as a personal finance coach and wellness and wellbeing coach. When I discovered that there was a Certified Divorce Coach accreditation over in the US, I was delighted and completed that too.
As far as I know, I’m the only professional divorce coach in Ireland. My target clients are professional women with children. I work with men as well, but so far my clients have all been female.
I’ve found that Irish people are very private about divorce whereas, in the US, it’s very normalised. Here it’s still a social no-no and people can get a lot of pushback from families, especially for religious reasons.
I wish I’d had a divorce coach by my side during my own divorce. I’d never been to a court nor been in front of a lawyer except to buy our family home, so it was a huge learning curve for me — and pretty scary.
We went from an expensive judicial separation to doing our own DIY divorce, with a review with our respective lawyers, for just €600. We’re now friends and we co-parent effectively together. We share birthdays and special family events and our children are flourishing.
Looking back at all the anger and pain, it seems so long ago. It took a lot of effort and healing from both sides. It took not putting the other parent down in front of the children. It took learning to be mature, kind and respectful. It took dealing with the financial issues for a while after the divorce and knowing this too will pass. And it took lots of work improving career and money flow prospects and focusing forward.
The four-year time period for a divorce that existed in Ireland (since reduced to two years) was also helpful. By the time you get to divorce, a lot of the emotion has faded away and you’ve kind of got into your new routine and you’re able to think a bit better.
I guess you could say we have ‘consciously uncoupled’. I know we’re not the norm, but I hope I can help people get to something like that, if at all possible.
Unfortunately, there has been a surge in separation and divorce requests during lockdown. Fissures have become Grand Canyons. Usually people take three to five years to decide that they finally want to divorce, but the pressures of lockdown have caused this to accelerate.
Family law firms and the courts are inundated, and there is a big backlog in separation cases. This is due to a number of reasons: the imbalance in childcare and home-care coming to the fore, financial stress factors, infidelities surfacing or being caught out as people are stuck at home. Some people’s life values have changed in the wake of a pandemic and they no longer want to settle for their current life situation.
Taking the ‘my way or the highway’ approach won’t help matters and will tend to drive up the cost of your divorce. Remember, you both need to try to afford a comfortable, safe home your kids can stay at; you both want to provide a happy life for your kids, and there’s only so much money in the pot.
Some make the mistake of letting other people make all the decisions for them. They might look back five years later with a lot of regrets if they give up all their power to lawyers and judges.
And there are plenty of people who feel that can’t afford to divorce. Some have been in that situation for years, and others simply can’t see a way out. The government tries to support them through free legal aid and free mediation services. However, housing is the biggest issue.
Some people think outside the box and find space with family or friends, or move to a cheaper part of the country. Some fit into a one-bedroom home and use the living room as an extra bedroom until they can build up their careers, build extra income and eventually move to something bigger, which is what I did for a few years.
Children are the single biggest issue during divorce discussions, the second being finances. Often, one parent fears losing control, or is hurting so wants to cause them hurt via the issue of the children. They end up hurting the children more in the process.
The thing is, the children love both parents, and want to be loved by both parents. The courts know it is usually in the child’s best interest to have access to both parents, unless there is a safety concern.
Some couples decide to wait until the children turn 18 before they separate. If they
can effectively co-parent and treat is as a type of business relationship — and maybe get a relationship counsellor to keep them going — then that’s fantastic. However, children see through everything, and have big ears, so this would need to be a happy enough co-existence.
If the home dynamics are full of fights, anger, and disharmony most of the time then, for the sake of the children, couples counselling is very much advised to try to remedy things and avoid divorce if possible. If this is really not possible, then children will be happier away from such an environment.
The impact on the children can be bigger as they get older. The impact is obviously less if they are under four years of age and can be particularly traumatic for teenagers.
Normally, the children will be alright after divorce. They settle into the new routine after a while — how quickly they settle depends on how mature the parents act during the divorce process.
About half of the people who contact me have tried couples counselling before they decide to separate. I always encourage those who haven’t tried it to give it a go because I want divorce to be the last option. With the right counsellor, a lot of relationships that you thought were over can bounce back. I’ve seen that happen multiple times, which is why I always encourage people to try it.
Women are usually overwhelmed and going through the divorce grief cycle (denial/ anger/bargaining/depression/acceptance), or sometimes trying to leave an abusive relationship, when they contact me. Although anger is a normal part of the divorce cycle, learning to channel it in the right ways is vital. In the end, you are only hurting yourself and the ones you love the most, and dragging on an inevitable process.
People tend to underestimate how emotionally draining divorce can be. It is a marathon and you need to take very good care of yourself and build a solid support system around you. And you need to be careful what family/friends you allow into your tribe, so that they don’t hold you back from growing into your new, resilient self.”
As told to Katie Byrne
“About half of the people who contact me have tried couples counselling before they decide to separate. I always encourage those who haven’t tried it to give it a go because I want divorce to be the last option”