BEASTS THAT LIVE UP TO THEIR NAME
THERE’S NOTHING like a bit of weather as rough as a badger’s behind to make you take stock and evaluate what’s really important in life.
When enough snow to reach Peter Crouch’s nostrils falls from the sky there’s bound to be a problem or two, and you’re left with conundrums as difficult as how to stop Pep Guardiola’s blue attacking machine when they’re in full flow, and tasks as onerous and downright impossible as keeping the tide out with a sprong.
Me and the merry clan had to suffer four days without the luxury of running water, with an occasional loss of electricity adding to our woes as we battled the elements with the determination of Roy Keane in his hey-day and the icecool mind of Jonathan Sexton with the game on a knife-edge and the clock in the red.
Having to melt saucepans of snow in order to flush the toilets is admittedly a slight pain in the posterior, and using a torch as you clamber up the stairs is a tad cumbersome, but it’s only a minor inconvenience in comparison to the trials and tribulations of those who are really suffering, and the crews of hard-working people who restored power and cleared roads deserve the utmost praise.
The fun in the snow and the excited smiles on the faces of the kids more than made up for any hardship, as well as the sense of community shown when neighbours are in need, and we’ll all quickly get back to our relatively cushy lives of entertainment on demand, and more importantly the food and warmth that most of us take for granted.
Anyway, enough of my pontificating, I guess I’d better manoeuvre my mind back to the world of sport, which is, after all, what this column is supposed to be about.
The fractious daliance between ‘The Beast from the East’ and ‘Storm Emma’ meant that the sporting landscape on these shores was as bare as the Late, Late Show studio audience on Friday night, so instead of spending the weekend watching a bit of League of Ireland action and some inter-county G.A.A. I turned my attentions to building snowmen, playing Monopoly, watching Netflix and, most of all, doing lots and lots of thinking.
It’s amazing the things that tiptoe through your brain when you’re staring at a wall in flickering candlelight and society’s constant need to pigeonhole and give everything a name was at the forefront of my mind.
‘The Beast’ may have been an appropriate enough moniker for our Siberian visitor, given the bucket-loads of snow it brought with it, but given the ferocity of the other half of the double-act, the label may just be a little unkind to all of the Emmas out there.
With the kids tucked away in bed, and way too much time on my hands, I decided to search for ‘Beasts’ from the sporting world and there’s a fair few of them out there, some more familiar than others.
Former Barcelona star Miguel Angel Nadal certainly lived up to the name, with the physical nature of his play making him a proper beast on the football field.
Current Wycombe Wanderers striker Adebayo Akinfenwa fits the bill for an entirely different reason, chiefly because of the sheer size of the man.
Physically he doesn’t look like he could cut it as a footballer, but despite being as wide as a prop forward he has consistently shown he’s well able to put the ball in the back of the net in the lower leagues.
Ex-Real Madrid and Arsenal man Julio ‘ The Beast’ Baptista is another physical specimen. He may not be the width of a snow-covered boreen like Akinfenwa, but his sheer presence causes all sorts of headaches for defenders.
Fellow ‘Beast’, Jamaican sprinter Johan Blake, has such muscle and power that he’d stand a good chance of clearing the stubborn snowfall from a country road quicker than an overworked JCB.
There’s plenty more sporting folk out there who have managed to earn the nickname ‘The Beast’, like strongman Eddie Hall, wrestler Brock Lesnar, boxer John Mugabi, footballer Jon Parkin, basketball player Calvin Abueva, and rugby league star Manu Vatuvei to mention a few.
Now I’m off to survey the storm and snow damage to my homestead as the thaw sets in, and then I’m sure I’ll have to tackle a plethora of arduous odd jobs.
Sure aren’t I a real beast of burden?