Widow’s emotional appeal to talk about suicide
SUICIDE BEREAVED MUM ’S APPEAL FOR PEOPLE TO PICK UP THE PHONE AND ASK FOR HELP, WRITES
A NEW ROSS woman who lost her husband to suicide in May of last year has issued a heart- rending appeal for anyone thinking of taking their life to reach out for help and pick up the phone.
On Saturday week, Pam Kehoe will be getting up early with her three children to walk in the Darkness into Light walk in New Ross, almost a year to the day when she lost her husband, best friend and the father of her children, Rathnure man PJ Kehoe, to suicide.
Since that terrible day, Pam and her three children have been supported by Pieta House in Wexford.
Pam waited until after PJ’s month’s mind to face into counselling. ‘ It was my first time going to a counsellor so it was daunting.
‘ You would feel like you had failed him. What I’ve learned over the 11 months of counselling though is that unless there is a neon light flashing over someone you’re not going to know they are suicidal.’
Describing suicide as ‘ unnecessary and heartbreaking’, Pam is calling on people to support Pieta House by doing the Darkness Into Light walk.
‘ I would urge people that are in distres to pick up the phone and talk to somebody as there is always somebody there who is willing to listen. We are not better off without you,’ she said.
NEXT Saturday, Pam Kehoe will be getting up early with her three children to walk in the Darkness into Light walk in New Ross, almost a year to the day when she lost her husband, best friend and the father of her children to suicide.
Here, in an honest and raw interview, Pam bravely tells her story in which she appeals to people who are suicidal to pick up the phone and call somebody, saying: ‘We are not better off without you’.
It was a normal Sunday morning on May 12th of last year when Pam and her children Cathal, Eoghan and Niamh’s lives and the lives of the extended Kehoe and Roche changed forever. ‘I was in a state of complete disbelief when I found PJ. I dialled 999 and the person on the end of the line asked me where I was and he told me to step away,’ Pam said.
Pam reached out to her brother-in-law and sister for help.
‘Susie got the kids out of the house and called Pieta House. That was out first contact with the counselling staff there.’
Susie received guidance over the phone about what to do. ‘Pieta House said don’t lie to them and don’t tell them in their bedrooms as that is their safe haven – which was very good advice. I broke the news to them. We went through this together.’
Cathal and Eoghan attended Pieta House on Francis Street in Wexford town within a week, Niamh did not as she was too young (Pieta House counsels children aged eight and up). ‘Niamh just knows that she misses her Daddy. The boys saw a counsellor named Pauline who got them to acknowledge that it is Ok to feel anger or sadness or to be happy too. To feel your emotions as they arrive and let them out. I want my children to know that it’s Ok to cry and to be sad or angry or happy. It doesn’t mean you are less of a person.’
The children received tremendous support in their community from the school principal to coaches at Rathnure GAA Club where PJ once lined out for. It took Pam several weeks before she could face into counselling. She found it hard to leave the house and go into New Ross, where she is from, fearing pitying looks from people. ‘I went in once and kept going because we have to eat! I function every day because I have to. You do grieve privately. Some days I will light the fire and lie on the couch, but I’ll have myself picked up once the kids are home as I can’t let them see me falling to bits. I do circuit taining, punch the punchbag and do a lot of running.’
Eoghan used to come to his mum’s room every night because he was scared but has overcome his fears. ‘Pieta House thought them that everything they feel is normal. Their friends have been excellent, there was no jeering or anything.’
Pam waited until after PJ’s month’s mind to face into counselling. ‘I just rang Pieta House myself and got through to the helpline and they told me to go to the Wexford branch. It was my first time going to a counsellor so it was daunting. You would feel lie you had failed him. What I’ve learned over the 11 months of counselling though is that unless there is a neon light flashing over someone you’re not going to know they are suicidal.’
Pam and her children started doing family counselling sessions at Pieta House. ‘ There were a lot of tears and there was a lot of heartache. That really benefited all of us because I understood where the kids were coming from because sometimes you get caught up in your own emotions. PJ’s Dad and my Dad are still alive and the children’s Dad, who was so young, is gone: that can be hard to a child to understand.’
Suicide was one of a number of issues teased out during the counselling sessions. ‘ They go into an awful lot of stuff about yourself. One of the first things they thought me was to look after myself. You can be like a machine. I was working full time at Lake Region and running the house.’
Following the tragedy her
company gave her time off to grieve and Pam remains off work. ‘ They were excellent support and they have agreed to bring Pieta House into the company as one of the employees in my section died by suicide. It’s not just me.’
She said her children come to her and let her know when they are feeling down. ‘Yesterday was PJs birthday and we went to a garden centre as he loved gardening. We climbed Croagh Patrick for Eoghan’s tenth birthday at Easter. It’s a place he climbed with his Dad before and he cried when he got down to the bottom with the emotion of it all.’
The children have learned great coping skills from Pieta House counsellors and are still fun loving children. Pam believes the stigma around suicide is slowly but surely fading away. ‘People are not afriad to talk about it any more. Before you couldn’t even get buried in a churchyard. I talk about PJ all of the time. Every day we talk about him and we love doing that. We have all his pictures up, pictures of him mountain climbing and climbing Mount Everest.’
She said GAA clubs are telling children to tell someone if they feel under pressure.
Pam is walking Darkness Into light with her sister Susie, her children and her cousin Claire, while family members living elsewhere in Ireland are doing Darkness Into Light walks in support of the organisation that helped her so much. ‘It’s nice to give back. We did a Blackstairs mountain walk recently which was attended by 65 people and raised around €700 and the school did a Christmas jumper day with all proceeds going to Pieta House. I am still so raw. I got to counselling once a week in Wexford. There is nothing in New Ross for people who are bereaved by suicide and there is no table in GP offices for mental health admissions when there are 400 people who die by suicide every year in Ireland. Every time I go down to Pieta House I learn a new skill.’
Describing suicide as ‘unnecessary and heartbreaking’, Pam said her message to someone who is suicidal and who has given up on life is: ‘I would urge people that are in distres to pick up the phone and talk to somebody as there is always somebody there who is willing to listen. We are not better off without you.’