Challenges of living with a mental illness during lockdown
IT’S been nine years since Brian Scallan was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, an illness which can cause him to suffer from delusions, hallucinations and to hear voices in his head.
In his own words Brian admits life since his diagnosis has been a ‘ living hell’ and says dealing with his condition on a daily basis has often left him feeling suicidal.
Underlining the complexity of paranoid schizophrenia, Brian explains what triggers his condition and causes him to become paranoid.
‘I get severely paranoid, even though I don’t accept the paranoid part of the illness, and depressed over certain words, such as ‘perfect’, ‘absolutely’, ‘exactly’, ‘absolute’, ‘exact’, ‘perfectly’, ‘ indeed’, ‘sure’, ‘ oh my god’, ‘definitely’, ‘certainly’, ‘ how’s it going’, ‘ how are things’, ‘ how you getting on’, ‘spot on’, ‘of course’, ‘fair play’, ‘ best of luck’, ‘all the best’,’ he says.
‘I would watch television a lot and I hear and see these things every day. It’s so depressing and I’d be on Facebook a good bit and see these words and phrases a lot on there too so again it’s so depressing.
‘I also know that everyone can read my mind therefore they can hear the voices I hear and read my thoughts on anything. I hear voices but they’re manageable.’
‘I’ve had to live with this for years and it’s a living hell. I don’t even know how I’m alive to be honest as I get suicidal every time I hear and see these things that I know are directed at me and I have attempted suicide in the past over it.’
So, how does someone with such an acute mental illness cope with a pandemic, cope with the loss of the daily routines and activities caused by lockdown?
‘I have been isolated with my mental health for years so it didn’t take long for me to get used to doing nothing and to adapt to the changes,’ says Brian (28).
‘Having said that though it has affected my mental health and made it worse because I can’t play hurling or soccer. I get great enjoyment from playing these. I’m also laid off work so I’m missing that routine of getting up early and going to work and making use of the day.’
Prior to the pandemic Brian was working part-time as a kitchen porter and played hurling with Our Lady’s Island. Now, he says it can be hard to fill the days, to take his mind off his condition.
‘I don’t have a routine anymore, nor do I have anything to get up for, so I’d lie in a good bit and wouldn’t be up until like noon. I know it’s not healthy getting up late all day every day but there’s nothing to do,’ he says.
‘I exercise on my own but that’s hard because I find it’s easier in a group and I miss the manager shouting at you and motivating you to push yourself.’
At the moment Brian fills his time watching football on television, supporting his beloved Leeds United in their first season back in the Premier League since 2004. But even that is an activity fraught with stress.
‘I’m a massive Leeds fan and love watching soccer and right now all of the Premier league games are on television. I’d watch a good lot of them so that takes up time, even if I am shouting back at the television due to my belief that all the words and phrases that I mentioned are said just to depress me.
‘I do listen to a lot of music so that takes up time too.’
Currently Brian attends Summerhill Mental Health Centre and sees a psychiatrist ‘every couple of months’, he says he has received counselling in the past but didn’t find it helpful.
‘I’ve been to psychologists and psychotherapists which to be honest didn’t help either because as I said I never accepted the paranoid part of my illness,’ he says.
‘ Tablets help with the hallucinations and vicious voices, I don’t hallucinate anymore nor do I hear vicious voices anymore but nothing helps with the words and phrases.’
While he continues to battle his own demons, Brian believes lockdown is having a hugely detrimental impact on people across the county.
‘It’s affecting every single person in my opinion because people can’t do the things they once loved doing that benefited their mental health,’ he says.
‘I know the virus is serious but it wouldn’t surprise me if the suicide rate was higher. I don’t know the statistics but the suicide rate was always high in this county and across Ireland well before this lockdown and these lockdowns will and have already added to that.
‘It’s a terrible situation to be in and I’d love to see more funding put towards mental health from the government so they can help because right now they’re doing very little when it comes to mental health.’
By speaking out and documenting his own experiences, Brian hopes to help remove the stigma surrounding paranoid schizophrenia, but he also wants to give others the courage to speak about their own difficulties, particularly during lockdown.
‘I went public with my mental health years ago to let people know there is help out there, you just need to find the strength within yourself to ask for it,’ he says.
‘Remember, it’s a strength to ask for help and takes a lot of courage to ask for help. You’re not weak if you speak. It helps me talk about it to an extent as I’ve already explained.
‘You never know what goes on behind closed doors and the demons that people face on a daily basis so please everyone just be kind.
Who knows one smile towards someone could mean the world to someone to keep them alive.’
And like all of us, Brian is eager for a semblance of normality when restrictions finally ease.
Asked what he’s most looking forward to when lockdown ends he says, ‘Going back playing hurling and soccer and getting into the routine of going to work and coming back to train in the evening.’