Lockdown is...when the highlight of the week is a trip to the hardware store!

EXCITEMENT levels reached fever pitch this weekend in our house when we did something completely new, something we hadn’t done during any other Lockdown - we went paint shopping en masse to purchase satin finish for the front door.

The four of us piled into the car with promises of great craic altogether from Himself. We drove to the local hardware store where we had to queue for twenty minutes (seriously?! Who queues to go to a hardware store? I thought Ikea was bad) before gaining entry to the inner sanctum of paint brushes, hammers and 4 X 4.

I thought I might be able to pick up a new mop and a few bottles of Zoflora to make things interesting (I know, I live life on the edge) but no, there wasn’t a bottle of fragrant disinfectant to be seen. It was all screws and nails and yokes that fellas with big tool boxes use.

Even the paint section was no good and after checking out fifty shades of grey, literally, I lost the plot. ‘Just pick a bloody colour and let’s go! I am losing the will to live here,’ I muttered through clenched teeth. ‘I hate this shop. There is nothing to buy.’ Himself looked insulted. ‘ This is a deadly shop, I love coming here.’

‘Well the next time you can come on your own,’ retorts the 15 year old before hightailing it to the till. The queue is even longer as we leave. ‘ There is a lot of sad people in the world,’ the 15 year old remarks. She’s not wrong.

In a bid to restore equilibrium we drive to a coffee shop for refreshments which we have to drink walking along the street. ‘What do you want to do now?’ Himself inquires. ‘Well what I’d really like to do is go to the pub and have a proper pub drink and chat to people other than my immediate family but that’s not going to happen so let’s go to Dealz instead.’

The kids look nearly as horrified as they did going to the hardware shop but that quickly changed when they saw the shelves of discounted toffee crisps and wispas. I spot what I’ve been looking for – a six pack of scampi and bacon fries and load five of them into my basket.

‘Now this is what you call a deadly shop,’ I tell Himself who is checking the date on a packet of chocolate Mikados. ‘No this is why we’ve put on weight during lockdown,’ he says pointing at the two overflowing bags of shite I’m carrying.

‘In case you haven’t realised – we are in the middle of a global pandemic. You are getting your kicks out of playing Bob The Builder – let me wallow in an oasis of scampi fries.’

Bloody hell – I hope they open the pubs soon!

EVEN THE PAINT SECTIONWAS NO GOOD AND AFTER CHECKING OUT FIFTY SHADES OF GREY, LITERALLY, I LOST THE PLOT