Is Medders the only person left on this planet who recalls loving Mister Ed?
‘OF course, I don’t watch television,’ said Medders loftily. It was the ‘of course’, spoken with such assumed superiority, which put Julian on guard. Intended to reinforce the message, it only served to sow seeds of doubt in mind of the listener. ‘Medders, everyone watches television.’
‘Well, I don’t watch television, Julian. Honestly.’
The ‘ honestly’ turned suspicion into certainty. Medders was clearly lying. Julian recalled reading how the more defendants in court cases stress their honesty the less they should be believed.
The accused who reminds the judge that he has taken an oath to tell the truth before testifying that he did not realise the gun was loaded is always guilty as sin. The accused who swears dramatically on his mother’s life that he never so much as laid a finger on the injured party is invaribly trying to pull the wool over the eyes of the jury.
The friend who feels he must stress his own credibility, not once but twice, is evidently sending up a smokescreen of deceit. ‘Medders, I must put it to you again. Everyone watches television.’ ‘Well, I don’t watch television. I haven’t watched television for years. I can say without fear of contradiction, for example, that I have never seen a complete episode of ‘Friends’’
‘Medders, everyone watches television the same way everyone eats chips – no matter how much they deny it. Chips may not be good for a body. Chips may be greasy and full of cholesterol. But everyone eats chips – the same way that everyone watches television.’
‘You’re right about the chips, Julian. Even vegans eat chips. But, hand on heart, I really don’t watch television.’
Hand on heart! Here was a man with something to hide.
It was time to peel back a few layers, to ask a few questions. Do you have a TV licence at Medders Manor: ‘Of course we have a TV licence. Hermione and Persephone would be lost without their ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ and their ‘Bake Off’.’
What is your favourite television programme?: ‘I was thinking just the other day how much I loved ‘Mister Ed’ when I was a boy. Mister Ed was a talking horse and there was no greater punishment than being sent to my room when he was on the box.’
How the hell do you pass the time if you don’t watch television?: ‘Good question, given that the average Irish person views 18 hours of telly a week, or thereabouts. Well, you will be pleased to learn that I am half way through writing my latest novel, that I am averaging 25,000 steps a day according to my Fit Bit, and that I have a roster of old ladies whom I visit in Our Town Nursing Home in order to collect folklore. I have no time to spare for watching television.’
Julian accepted that the witness was not cracking under cross-examination. His buddy, whether in a state of delusion or attempting to paint a fraudulent self-portrait, was not to be shifted.
It was time to move the conversation on to sport. To consider the merits of wing backs as opposed to full backs. To ponder how many more years of top level rugby is left in Jonny Sexton. To speculate whether the Olympics will go ahead as planned.
And then Medders let the mask slip. He announced his conviction that Messi’s powers are finally on the wane: ‘I’ve never seen him as bad as he was against that French side the other night.’ ‘Hah!’ Julian pounced. ‘And where did you see this.’
‘On the, em, television… Surely watching Champions League doesn’t count, does it?’
Julian made firm eye contact: ‘Of course it counts, but there’s more to this than Champions League, isn’t there?’
And Medders finally capitulated, admitting that had been known to research recipes on ‘Master Chef’ or take a sneak peak at Daithí and Maura on idle afternoons. His real problem, however, was a show called ‘House MD’ to which young Persephone introduced him to, like a dealer handing out samples of crystal meth.
The plots are repetitive and the set is laughable but the eponymous Doctor House as played by Hugh Laurie (of ‘Blackadder’) is completely mesmerising. He was hooked: ‘I’ll beat this, Jules, just let me watch the remaining 127 episodes first. And don’t expect to read that novel any time soon.’