THE PRESIDENT FOR LIFE

(as told to David McSavage)

We will have a traditional christmouse, holy deep-fried mice, dipped in chocolate, and a warm glass of swan blood. At about 3pm, my housebound, It, invites trees into the house, and we dress them up like 19th-Century whores, an idea I got from Toulouse-Lautrec, a talented, drug-addicted French midget. Dinner consists of roast table leg, and Venezuelan elbow.

As you know, I have the ability to travel forward, and backward in time, so this year I will be spending the day, with It, in 1953. We didn’t know each other back then, which will increase the excitement of being together.

We first met in 1975. He was working in a munitions factory near a naval base in Pennsylvania, and I worked nearby, in a laboratory making prosthetic limbs for homosexuals. As you can imagine, we hit it off straightaway.

Thankfully, our children won’t have been born this christmouse, so it will be only me, and It. We enjoy Victorian parlour games. My favourite is blind man’s muff, where It wears a blindfold, and tries to find various crustaceans hidden on my person. “That ain’t no shrimp,” I shout. Oh, the sheer, honest catholic fun of it all. The President for Life wears clothes, shoes, hosiery and jewellery from Marks & Spencer. Christmas tree from Marks & Spencer Shot in the Four Seasons Hotel Dublin, Simmonscourt Rd, D4. Join the New Year’s Eve party in ICE with resident DJ Mo Kelly @FSDublin. Complimentary entry. Doors open from 8pm. For more information, tel: (01) 665-4000, or see www.fourseasons.com/dublin