MIND YOUR LANGUAGE

It’s all about damage control when it comes to your views. The most important thing is to watch your language. Never start a sentence with “Let’s call a spade a spade”. Anyone who wants to be popular with young people should shy away from telling them the truth. Keep the phrase “Sure, it didn’t do us any harm” for your class reunion. And never, ever say “yerra”. Unless you live in rural Ireland, where people of all ages still talk as if they were on The Riordans, below. (No point pretending you don’t get the reference, old timer.)

It’s best to keep away from the Lolz. Anyone who once owned a Walkman has no business using text-speak. (We would have thought that was obvs.) Mainly because they are already naff with people under 30. So is the word naff. That’s got to go as well.

It’s tricky to get all this right. It might be worth employing a spin doctor who is brilliant at controlling what you say. Speaking of which: Sinn Fein. They are experts at spinning inappropriate statements from old people. They get so much practise with Gerry Adams.

But don’t be fooled into telling people you vote Sinn Fein. It won’t persuade them that you are young and progressive. They’ll just know you’re old and your memory isn’t what it used to be. (What bombs?)

Actually, come to think of it, you’re better off keeping away from woolly, lefty sentiments. You’ll just get a reputation for being ‘young at heart’. That’s the polite way of saying there’s a faint smell of piss off you.

So steer clear of any ageing hippie crap about free love. It’s not that young people are against free love. It’s just that they are against it with you.