SUNNY DAYS

Summer isn’t a great time for age-conscious Irish people. And not just because we have freckles the size of a cat. The main problem is shorts. Some people say that denim is good for all ages. We say they’ve never seen denim shorts on anyone old enough to remember

Mork & Mindy. Too short, and you’re in cellulite city. Too long, and you look like a campaign worker for Donald Trump. There is no ‘just right’ for denim shorts when you are over 30. So steer well clear.

The shorts issue is particularly awkward for blokes. Things were great 10 years ago, when cargo shorts were in vogue. They were loose, had plenty of pockets and made you look like a 25-year-old. We bought three pairs each and said, “These should see me out now.” (Side note. Cut out the phrase ‘see me out.’ Men over 40 tend to think about death more than sex, but there is no need to tell everyone.)

Anyway, cargo shorts. The people who decide these things (15-year-old fashion bloggers whose people have people) have decreed cargo shorts are all a bit Nokia. Wear them if you like. But you know the way your father wore Farah slacks with sandals and socks during a heatwave? Well, that’s you now. Sorry about this, but there is only one way for a man to act all young on the shorts front. And that’s to show everyone his balls.

This new craze is called Full Peacock. You can drop ‘Pea’ from that name without losing any of the meaning. The fashion now is to wear super-tight shorts to make it clear that you’re no lady. Don’t forget that the old ‘no socks with sandals’ rule still applies. But maybe shove a pair of socks down your shorts, because some things tend to shrink over time.