STOP THE MUSIC

Pop quiz. Have you ever said, “I can’t believe you never heard of The Stone Roses” to a person under 20? Then consider this. Uncle Noel. Remember how much you pitied him when he made you listen to his Horslips’ albums. And not just because he’d play air guitar after a few pints. Well, that’s you now, with your 40-something addiction to Britpop.

You are no longer ‘mad for it’. Even Jarvis Cocker isn’t going around forcing people to listen to Pulp. That’s because he’s still cool and you’re an accountant. Here’s the best bit of advice you’ll get all day. Once you pass 40, any opinion you have on music is just embarrassing for everyone. So keep it to yourself.

The exception is your Spotify playlists. You’ll have to share them or people will suspect they are full of REO Speedwagon.

It might be an idea to rename some playlists before you share. Particularly the one called ‘for shagging’. No one needs to know that Push It by Salt-N-Pepa is what gets you in the mood.

You might want to change the songs on there as well. A playlist with Oasis, Ash, U2, Blur and St Etienne is like a T-shirt saying ‘I’m 47’. The temptation is to mix in some songs from Lady Gaga and Drake. In which case the T-shirt will read ‘I’m trying too hard’.

There is only one solution. Nina Simone, above. Nina on the playlist is a fantastic way for a man to trick a woman into thinking he has feelings. Never mind that 90pc of Nina’s music is more miserable than a weekend in Portarlington. That doesn’t matter to a middle-aged man. Not when his new girlfriend is 27.