KATY HARRINGTON

It’s day one in the house of sideboob and tears

Be prepared for offensive language and sexual content from the outset, reads the warning as I sit down to watch Big Brother for the first time. Actually, the only offensive language is how many times the housemates say ‘Oh my God’, and the closest you get to sex is sideboob.

To combat failing ratings, the makers of Big Brother have hedged their bets by adding a second house and combining the cast of The Only Way is Essex with the plot of Love Island. They should call it The Only Way is Big Brother Island. If that description doesn’t help you, then imagine inanimate objects such as tit tape, sequins, silicon implants and false eyelashes starting to walk around and cause problems, like in Disney’s Fantasia. In the episode I watch the housemates are getting to know one other by drinking, crying and frotting each other. We discover Georgina is posh because she has a horse. Ryan has not matriculated past infant school but rates himself a 12/10; his favourite pastime is talking over people. Buxom Lateysha is from the Welsh Valleys, a rural area where they breed sheep and reality TV contestants; her sideboob is the size of Portugal.

Along with Orwell, James Joyce is clearly an influence on Big Brother but even Finnegans Wake has more plot than this. Bog all happens except a human Shih-Tzu called Charlie is upset because of her ex-boyfriend. Marco Pierre White’s son jumps in the pool because he’s a free spirit who won’t let wet jeans hold him back. I have never before wanted to drown someone until I saw Marco Jnr in the pool. There is some Irish interest in the form of Hughie the bisexual Traveller, by far the most sensitive, rational human in the house, or secret house, whatever. I stopped caring about what becomes of any of them after the first ad break.