We want a baby, but my boyfriend won’t see the doctor about infertility
QI have been with my boyfriend for four years. We have lived together for one. I am nine years older and he comes from a very traditional Catholic background. We are trying to get pregnant, but the thought of scientific intervention puts him off. I have tried to explain the longer we wait the harder it will be, but he thinks if we keep trying it will happen. I am afraid that if it doesn’t our relationship will be over, because he does want children and I won’t be able to. To make things worse, I’m an only child and always longed for brothers and sisters. Because of this, I had hoped to have at least three children and now there is the possibility that I’m not even going to have one. How do I get him to face the age difference and go to the doctor? He says he will, but weeks go by. I know he hates doctors for any occasion but I am at the end of my rope.
AIT is very difficult for people who are trying for a pregnancy and not succeeding to see at the same time that lots of their friends are getting pregnant with apparent ease. I can understand why you have reached the end of your patience. You have a boyfriend who doesn’t want to do anything at all to help you in your desire for a pregnancy — other than the obvious one of having sex with you.
Although you don’t tell me your age, there is probably very little time to lose, as a woman’s fertility starts to diminish when she is around 36. I don’t know if you are aware of the existence of ovulation kits which help to pinpoint the days when you are at your most fertile. If you haven’t already done this then you should start using one. You should also consult with your GP. At present you don’t know why it is that you are not becoming pregnant. It could be that one of you has a problem or it may be simply unexplained infertility. But you need to know what is going on. Your doctor will refer you to a fertility expert who will do some tests. At the same time, to speed things up, your boyfriend will need to submit a semen sample to see if he is producing adequate sperm. An easy way for him to do this is to ejaculate using a condom and then transfer the semen into a sterile container, but your doctor will explain all this to you.
I have to question your boyfriend’s lack of support with all of this. I don’t think it is acceptable that he at the very least will not go to the doctor. I realise that as he is much younger he does not have the same sense of urgency that you are experiencing, and anyway men can father children well into their 60s and there are many examples of men becoming fathers in their 70s.
But at this point in your relationship, and knowing how much it means to you, he should be doing everything in his power to help. A first step would be for him to accompany you to the doctor on your first visit. You are not asking him to do anything at that point, other than to show that he is supportive. It also means that he can hear at first hand from your doctor what can lie ahead. It may be that you will need medical intervention, but first of all you need to know why you are not naturally becoming pregnant.
If he continues to do nothing and refuses to accompany you to the doctor, then you will have to consider the long-term viability of the relationship. You would always be blaming him for not taking some initiative and he would be unhappy with the lack of children. This to me does not sound like the basis for a happy partnership, and is something that you will have to give some serious thought to. I sincerely hope it doesn’t come to this, but there has to be some compromise if you are to go forward.