I’m a woman who visits gay bars and fantasises about being a gay man

QI’m a heterosexual woman in her late 30s, single and successful. I have a psychosexual problem. I fetishise gay men, not the campy and effeminate gay men, whom I like, but the macho and aggressive type. I adore the well built and hyper-masculine type of gay man, usually leather-attired, and highly aggressive and masterful. It started with my fascination with gay male porn, then attending gay bars and becoming a fag hag. Then I found gay.com and other online sites where I could masquerade as a gay man and have sex chats with gay men. I’ve even gone to the lengths of using an electronic voice disguise which makes my voice passably male for phone sex chats with gay men.

More recently, I have frequented gay male cruising areas to look at gay men making pick-ups. I’ve even collaborated with one gay man as an unofficial watch-out for him.

I read voraciously on gay male culture and I attend gay male leather events internationally. I do everything possible to be as close as possible to these unattainable men. On a few rare occasions, I’ve managed to play with gay men.

My love of gay men, a fag hag type interest, has become increasingly overwhelming. I now crossdress as a gay leatherman, I “pack”, think about testosterone treatment and generally want more and more to be a gay man.

I don’t know what to do so as to get this obsession and fetish under some control.

ATHANK you for this very interesting query. Like most people you have had sexual fantasies and that is absolutely normal. If you put a group of people together and got them to talk honestly about their fantasies you would be surprised at the varied nature of people’s imaginations. Browse through any of the Nancy Friday books which are exclusively about women’s fantasies and you will discover anything from regular male/female fantasies to lesbian, women with multiple men, women with animals and many more.

But these are all merely fantasies, and if given the opportunity these women would not like to act out their fantasies. And this is where your fascination with gay culture differs because you have started to put your fantasies into reality, and are getting more and more involved with the gay scene. You find yourself increasingly leaning towards wanting to become a gay man, but short of gender reassignment this is not going to happen.

You seem to have become quite addictive in your acting out of a gay lifestyle, and so there are many questions that you need to ask yourself, such as is this behaviour masking something else with regard to your sexuality? Try thinking through what life would be like for you as a gay man with its pros and cons. Is that what you really want? You describe yourself as heterosexual but could it be that you are not, and this obsession is masking the reality? Or have you had some bad experiences with males which resulted in you changing your own narrative?

You also have to ask why you are pursuing what you acknowledge is an unattainable goal. You must realise that totally immersing yourself in a gay lifestyle is not giving you the opportunity to have regular heterosexual relationships. It would be very wrong of me to give an opinion on what is going on for you without spending some time with you and getting to know you better. I feel that you would benefit hugely from speaking to a psychologist or psychotherapist in order to tease out why you are going down this route. To find a counselling psychologist in your area visit www.psihq.ie