Making happiness your default setting

AINE O’CONNOR

My main ambition for my children is that they be happy. It sounds simple, simplistic even. It sounds obvious and might even elicit a pre-teen “Duh..”. But true happiness in the sense of personal ease, contentment and confidence is an elusive art form. Of course we can’t be happy all of the time, but we should be happy most of the time, happy should be our default setting, the place we call normal. And I don’t think a lot of us are.

Life has got complicated and it’s easy enough to tell yourself that life is just tough, some things are crappy but you’re stuck and it could be worse. Maybe some of the problems aren’t of your making, they just affect you so there’s not much you can do. Or maybe fixing them feels like an effort too far. But when no one is ill or dead — those kind of dreadful, life-changing events that really can collapse happiness — why do we settle for less?

I did, for years. A combination of factors internal, external, self-inflicted and out of my control. It freaked me out that it would take something awful to happen for me to realise I had been happy but couldn’t feel it. I was forever telling my children that while people and circumstances could affect them, they were the ones in charge of how they felt. “If you don’t like it, fix it.” Forever telling them. And not showing them.

Then, finally, I started practising what I preached. I fixed what I didn’t like. The kids, both teenagers, really noticed the change. They both commented on it and they both acted on it. There were things that they were unhappy about and when I made the change, they did as well. When you’re happy, other stuff falls into place, or simply doesn’t matter. It took me too long to learn it — and I want it more than anything for my kids.