I’m due to marry again, but future husband has little desire for sex

QI’m 13 years in a relationship with plans to marry late in the year. I’m very afraid of making this commitment having been married and divorced previously. I suppose my fear stems from a few things — the fear of another failed marriage and also the lack of intimacy in our relationship. When I speak to my partner about my fears he says this will change but it’s always the same — it changes for a couple of weeks and then back to square one. I had hoped to have children with this man but it’s too late for me now as I’m in my 40s. He said he wanted children also but with little or no intimacy in our life this was next to impossible. I’m just so confused about what I should do.

AI agree it is highly unlikely that you would become pregnant at this time of your life, although it does occasionally happen that a woman has a baby in her 40s, particularly if she has had previous pregnancies. You do not say whether you have children from your earlier marriage, but if not then it must be extremely disappointing for you not to have the prospect of becoming pregnant. I find it somewhat difficult to understand why you have left it so late to do anything about this when you and your partner have been together for such a long time. Perhaps you believed that he would change, but, as we know, change is extremely difficult and he has proven this.

You must know this man pretty well by now and therefore you should be a good judge as to whether marriage to him will work out. But whether you marry him or not, you need to get the sexual side of your life on a more satisfactory level. It must be very frustrating for you to have to keep on asking for sex and to see very little change in his behaviour. If he has always been like this then he may have a very low level of desire and so sex is not as important to him as it is to you. If you feel that because of this he is to blame for your lack of children then this could lead to a huge resentment on your part. If this is the case then it would need to be addressed in counselling, because the resentment could fester and cause big difficulties in the relationship.

I wonder if you are fully aware of the reasons why your marriage failed. I am often struck by the number of people who come for counselling in second relationships who seem to be making the same mistakes all over again. It might be a good idea for you to have a few oneon-one sessions with a counsellor to examine what went wrong the first time to ensure that you are not repeating history. Counselling is often described as having a second chance at getting things right.

Is your partner aware of all your misgivings about getting married? If not, then he needs to know. But first of all I suggest that you get your own thoughts sorted out about where you are in the relationship and then with the help of a professional you can decide on your next step.

You can contact Mary O’Conor anonymously by visiting www.dearmary.ie or email her at dearmary@independent.ie or write c/o 27-32 Talbot St, Dublin 1. All correspondence will be treated in confidence. Mary O’Conor regrets that she is unable to answer any questions privately