We’re middle-aged, but my wife and I have no intimacy anymore
A
QI am a married man in my fifties. My wife is the same age. We have been married for nearly 30 years now and have adult children.
My wife lost her father through an accident when she was a child and has ever since then felt a responsibility to make her mother happy. Unfortunately, her mother is a selfish self-centred woman who is very demanding.
Over the years my wife has suffered from anxiety and sees the worst in all situations, including the normal setbacks in life. She deals with all “crises” by withdrawing completely.
Now that the kids are reared I had hoped that things might improve. Unfortunately, her mother is now frail and is the absolute preoccupation for my wife.
My wife never handled intimacy well. I put this down to the rearing she got. She claims to have no memory of a happy day or time while growing up. She has been, and is, a fantastic mum to our kids.
However, she only communicates with me at a superficial level. We used to like watching television together but she has stopped this saying that she doesn’t like my choice of programmes. I watch a broad selection of programmes. We used to walk, but now she is either too tired or she has walked with a friend earlier in the day. Sex is long gone. It was always sporadic but it is five years now since I received even a kiss. No hugs, nothing.
I have been successful in business and my wife enjoys all the trappings of this success. We live in a beautiful house in a location of her choosing. She has the best of jewellery, the best car, the best golf clubs and the best clothes of all of her friends, but she still considers that she is hard done by. It’s impossible to change that outlook. I know that my wife is a snob and experiences envy when someone in our circle changes a car, goes on holiday etc. Yet we have the holiday home, the boat etc and she cannot see that we are doing all right.
I have thought about leaving but it is not what I want. Leaving a marriage is really breaking up a family. I love my family and our friends and want to keep it together if at all possible. But with the kids now reared and the last about to leave home, I am panicking about what happens next.
I just want it to be the case that I might get the occasional hug. WHAT a very sad letter. Your wife on the one hand sounds like a very caring person — a wonderful mother and a very concerned daughter. However she does not seem to care at all about you, or at least doesn’t seem to care about making you happy. Your needs are not very much — companionship, appreciation for what you have provided for her and a hug from time to time are all you ask for.
I understand that she has problems with intimacy stemming from her unhappy childhood, but that does not really excuse her doing all the taking from you and giving nothing to you in return. Has she any idea how unhappy you are, and that you have actually considered leaving the marriage even though you will not do so? If not, then you will have to tell her that the prospect of the next 20 or 30 years with her is so unappealing as to be worrying. Explain that you are feeling terribly lonely and unloved and that at this stage it is not even about the sex but it is about feeling wanted and appreciated. If you own these feelings rather than apportion blame it will make the dialogue easier. But you must have the conversation because it is not going to get better of its own accord.
Your last child is about to leave home and your children will now be making their own way in the world. So the family as it used to be will be fragmented, leaving at its core yourself and your wife. You feel that you want to stay together at all costs, but perhaps the cost is too great. I have to ask what you are getting from the marriage as it stands right now — apart from loneliness.