How To Never Leave Your House

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Looking for predictably repetitive sex with a regular partner? Check. Don’t want to get married? Check. Good news. The Japanese have you covered.

It’s hardly a surprise, given that the majority of people in Tokyo live alone now. The Japanese were always going to lead the charge for sexy robots. They recently announced something called the Illusion VR. It’s a full-body suit, with a virtualreality headset and a small, human-like contraption that fiddles about with your bits. It simulates what it must be like to shag a jockey. Some reckon the product announcement was an April Fool’s prank, but the manufacturers, Tenga, seem intent on marketing the real thing.

This is in tune with the way the virtual reality (VR) and porn industries have been cooperating recently. One porn site recently gave away 10,000 pairs of VR goggles for free. (The offer is closed now. But then you knew that already, you dirty thing.) This is great news for middle-aged men. Now, at last, they can tell people they are buying an expensive VR headset to watch porn. It beats the truth, because you don’t want people knowing you stay up all night playing Call of Duty with some random young fella in South Korea.

The people who analyse this stuff — a bit too enthusiastically for our liking —reckon that enhanced virtual-reality sex will put an end to sexting. So you might want to stop sharing photos of your special place on WhatsApp. It would be awful to go off-trend.

All things considered, an end to sexting is good news for bored people stuck at home. Except, of course, Premiership footballers, who will have to come up with something else to do on a Thursday evening.

Maybe they could read a book. If they had stayed in school, says you.