RETAIL KICKS

You’ll hear some ridiculous claims in favour of online shopping. Some people say it stops you from buying stuff you don’t need in Aldi. They obviously never pushed an order over €25 on Amazon, just to get free delivery. Let’s just put it this way. For sale: Eight tin-openers and 47 corkscrews, still in their original packaging.

Others reckon that online shopping is boring. They obviously never ordered a tech gadget from a Chinese website. The upside is it has a higher spec than the big brand name, for half the price. The downside is you’re not really sure if or when it will arrive. This uncertainty can result in a thrill that lasts for weeks, which is often longer than the device. For extra kicks, email the contact address and ask if they know when your phone or tablet will be delivered. We’re not saying some of the support guys have bad English; but does anyone know what “The cat has left Hong Kong, sometimes longer than your mother” means?

Another potential downside is a condition peculiar to Irish people known as Same Delivery Man Awks. We live on a small island, so it’s nearly always the same delivery man who brings our order to the door. Awkward. This wouldn’t matter so much in places like America, where they are used ignoring service people. But this is Ireland, where we say ‘thanks’ to the bus driver and ‘sorry’ to get the waiter’s attention in a restaurant. There is every chance you will develop a Stockholm Syndrome-type condition, and fall in love with this delivery man. There is no chance of you coming out of this with your dignity intact. So here’s our advice. Don’t answer the door and he’ll leave it with the neighbours. Let them deal with Same Delivery Man Awks.