My friend is a compulsive liar

QMy friend of 30 years has always had an extraordinary ability to invent stories, a trait that I accepted and looked past. Over time I have observed that her lies — ranging from health scares to tall tales about others — are generally told in order to gain sympathy, or recognition, or to get her own way. Her recent behaviour has provoked a new level of concern for me, and I am seeking advice on how to extrapolate myself from this friendship for good. My difficulty is that she does not respect boundaries and ending this friendship will not be easy. I don’t have a network of friends so maintaining our friendship was always more important to me.

Her husband separated from her some years ago. It hit her hard and I felt sorry for her. However, I subsequently bore witness to her appalling behaviour, including her making anonymous calls to his partner, calls to their respective work colleagues and numerous nasty acts. I am ashamed of myself for indulging her behaviour and I wouldn’t dare tell my husband about it. He warned me about her a long time ago.

Her husband had an affair with a significantly younger woman and has been in a relationship with her since. I now have no doubt that the failure of their marriage was very likely accelerated by my friend’s behaviour. Since her separation I have witnessed her manipulating her children, stalking, creating fake online profiles in her ex-husband and his partner’s name, and employing cunning and subtle tactics to generate sympathy from others.

The final straw for me came earlier this year when she fabricated an outrageous story about events surrounding the death of a relative abroad. She went on to repeat these lies to others, including to her own children. I know her story to be utterly false, as I was able to discover the truth surrounding the death from the authorities who dealt with it and its aftermath.

I have given up trying to understand why she behaves in this manner. Her current partner has been very supportive of her. Despite her separation she has maintained the lifestyle to which she has become accustomed, retained a superior house in an affluent area and has never had to work.

I am no longer willing to indulge her manipulative behaviour. Unfortunately, ignoring her will only provoke further contact. There are other factors to consider — our children are friends but luckily not in the same area or attending the same schools. I know what she is capable of and therefore am concerned about what she might do to me.

Any advice on ending this relationship would really be appreciated.

ATHIS woman has been your friend for a long long time, and throughout those years you have gone along with her fabrications, and at times destructive behaviour towards others. She appears to be at the very least a compulsive liar or she may be a pathological liar, which would indicate mental health issues such as narcissistic personality disorder. But whatever is going on for her you have had enough and your dilemma is how to get out of the relationship without having her become nasty towards you.

There is no easy way out of this as far as I can see because whatever you do you risk her wrath. You have two choices. One is to tell her that you have grown increasingly frustrated at her apparent lies and negative treatment of other people which you cannot any longer condone. You could cite the example of her blatant lies regarding her relative’s death and explain that you know exactly how this relative died. She will probably deny everything, but you will have put her on warning that you are not going along with her fairy tales anymore. This in itself may cause her to retreat from you as she will not want to be reminded of what you have said, and seems to me to be the more direct route to severing the relationship.

The other option is not to return her calls and be unavailable when she suggests getting together. However, it could take a very long time before she realises what you are up to, and the results may not be very edifying.

Your children do not seem to move in the same circles what with school and home being different, so I wouldn’t worry about that too much. Children continue to make new friends as they go through school and subsequently work or college. The main person that you have to be concerned about is yourself, and as this relationship is causing you worry and frustration you will benefit in the long run when it comes to an end.