An open letter to Mr Trump

DEAR Mr Trump, Let’s be honest and upfront to start. Most people here have taken your election pretty badly. It would be fair to say they’ve taken it worse than they’ve ever taken our own election results. The crowd on social media are especially upset. They say you are not their president. Which is true enough, in fairness. It’s almost like they are not accepting the result of the election, as if they feel the system is rigged.

Anyway, we appreciate the phone call. We appreciate especially that you called us before you called Theresa May. These kinds of things are important to us. As much as we are all pretending to care about what this could mean for world order, really when it comes down to it, our central concern is what it means for us, and what do people think of us.

If you ever come here for a visit again, you will find that we will mainly all ask you what you think of us. So the phone call was a good start. And good news about the shamrock thing as well. That seemed to be a major concern for politicians here. That they might not get the Patrick’s Day jolly.

Anyway, we just wanted to clear the air a bit. You may be aware that the Taoiseach pretty much called you a racist, or as he stresses himself, he said your comments were racist, which is not technically calling you a racist. It is more saying that you said some uncharacteristically racist things on one occasion, which was surprising seeing as you are normally such a measured guy. Anyway, we’ve been talking about it and we think that we should all agree now that things were said. You said some stuff, and we said some stuff. You said all that stuff about the wall and the Muslims, and we said you were a racist, and now we should put it all behind us. Stuff gets said in the heat of battle.

So we’re saying put all this behind us and let’s move on and make sure that you don’t affect any of the jobs we have in American companies here. And by the way, full disclosure, just in case it comes up, we should, mention that the Minister for Jobs says you disgust her, but the good news is she is happy to deal with you. Maybe don’t mention it when you meet her.

By the way, we thought of a good one for you here. You see the way our friends the liberal elite are saying that the politics of anger has won out? You know what you should say to them Donald? You just tell them that it’s easy for the liberal elite to be against the politics of anger. Shure what does George Clooney have to be angry about? That’s a little gift from us to you.

Anyway, we hope to see you soon, maybe for a game of golf with Sean O’Rourke? We have Noonan and the dancing girls on standby so do drop in. Sincerely The people of Ireland