She’s doing so well but her boyfriend won’t go to work

QMy daughter, who is 31, is doing extremely well in a career that she loves. She lives with her boyfriend and they have been together since they met in college.

The problem is that while she works all the hours that God gave her, he doesn’t work at all. In fact for the majority of the time they have been together he has not had a job, and therefore all the financial responsibility falls to her.

She has complained to me about a lack of money but she has also had a lot of help financially from my husband’s parents who are quite well off and dote on her. Other family members have complained to her that her boyfriend doesn’t work and doesn’t seem to be doing anything to get a job, but she always defends him, saying that there is nothing suitable for him.

Nobody else seems to like him, and for the life of me I can’t understand why she stays with him.

They are renting a house that isn’t really very nice. In fact nothing in her life, apart from her job, is working out the way I had hoped for her. I know that I can’t change things but it gets me really upset when I see the future stretching ahead with more of the same. I find it difficult to be civil to him when they come to our house. A IT is indeed a bonus when our children choose a partner of whom we approve and an even bigger bonus when we actually like them. I understand your concern as it is not just you who does not like her choice of partner.

But you will just have to go along with it. Your daughter has to be an intelligent person to have achieved what she has done so far. As such she no doubt realises that it would be more help financially if her partner were to work as well. She is indeed very fortunate to have wealthy grandparents.

It may be that she gets a lot of support in terms of housework, shopping, cooking and laundry from her stay-at-home boyfriend, thus freeing her to concentrate on her career. If they go on to have children then the childcare may well be taken over by him also.

So while you see it as him using her for an easy life she may view him as her equal. He has been around for quite a while now and it is obviously working for them, or she would have changed things. You have to be aware that he may continue to be a permanent feature in your daughter’s life, and so rather than disapprove it would be wiser to keep your misgivings to yourself and make him feel welcome whenever he is in your home.

Above all you don’t want to alienate your daughter so try just a little harder to be nice to him.