Cauliflower power

‘Does the smell of bacon make you want it?” Or “Don’t plants feel, too?” and “Wasn’t Hitler a vegan?” — just some of the delightfully irritating questions vegans shake off on a daily basis. “What can you eat?” carnivores ask, pupils morphing into one of those tiny kaleidoscopic wheels that appear on a Mac screen before it crashes.

Food, dudes. Real food. Hundreds of plant-powered ingredients are at a herbivore’s fingertips every day. Mother Nature’s heavyweight champions of fibre. I envy a vegan’s commitment. Their bowel movements must be like Christmas presents.

Given that I am happily institutionalised into marital bliss with all its obligations and sacred rituals, I like to flirt with everything that crosses our front door. This week, it was vegan. The guest. Not the husband.

I wanted to thrill my guest, in the only way available to me (through my pantry). I quickly learned that with just a bit of mental agility, you can turn any vegetable into a thundering drama queen and steal the show.

So here’s the recipe. Cauliflower steaks are scorching their hipster mark across NYC restaurants. With the right flavours, cauli steaks are pretty fantastical (especially when you sight Portia de Rossi, who is vegan, horsing into one next to you).

This dish has quickly become the litmus test on how trendy a joint is, or the A-listers it can attract. Never mind the fact that cauli steaks sound alarmingly similar to the 20th Century’s most beloved pet dog (now deceased, RIP Lassie). Push that aside, and do it for Portia. Who knew a cauliflower could cause such a stir?