Ireland’s new tech catechism of cliche
CONFUSED by the weird language used by technology executives? Wonder how clusters and hubs interact with pivoting mentors, urging user engagement to improve the social graphs? Me too. Here’s a modest attempt at making sense of the most common terms of 2016, wrapped up in an Irish tech catechism of cliche. (With apologies to Flann O’Brien.) .......... In Ireland, where are semi-state and local council IT services generally rolled? Out. And when little happens for 18 months but they need to put out a press release denoting a fresh attempt at rolling out the services, is there some other process which they are subjected to? Yes, they are ramped. In which direction are they ramped? Up. And if that doesn’t work, what series of thrusts and slashes is to be employed to help the initiative’s economic prospects? Growth hacking. Is this growth to be genetically modified in any way? No, it’s organic. What slimy, reptilian measure is proof positive that one is achieving such growth? Scale. And which pre-marital state best denotes customer attention following such growth? User engagement. What friendly mathematical devices must be used to describe all the people who come in contact with the product or service? A social graph. What central radius do local politicians assert for their area whenever a local resident launches a web design business? A hub. And if a cousin from the next parish moves into the area with his ringtone business, what then does the hub evolve into? A cluster. By contrast, what dizzying motion inevitably occurs when someone starts a tech company in a college?
A spin-out.
If the spin-out needs a bit of money, what subterranean pill-shaped funding module is the order of the day? Seed. Is this seed funding ever a square? No, it’s always a round. If that works, what is the sum of the terms of a sequence that make up a subsequent, larger funding announcement? A series. Is it any old series? No, it’s Series A. But before even considering Series A funding, what Greek cursive must the startup’s product have entered? Beta. Afterwards, if the product doesn’t take off, what classic jazz-ballet move can be performed? A pivot. And to help this pivot, what sort of thetan must be consulted as a matter of good practice? A mentor. What sort of Asian assassins will that mentor advise must be shed from the company if it is to successfully pivot? The ninjas. What musically-themed overachievers can replace the ninjas though? Rockstars. Ideally, what angry dais will the new pivoted product have adopted to help greater adoption? A cross platform. And what self-sustaining natural phenomenon could that pivoted product now create? An ecosystem. At a more senior level, to seal the pivot, what act of consumerism must senior management now do? Buy. And which general direction are they to buy? In. What is the tricky nautical manoeuvre that will now have to be done to get customers to try the new pivoted product? Onboarding. If there is to be an edge added to the product, what sort of distressed one is preferred? A bleeding one. And what kind of source is generally to be preferred? Open. To protect the newly pivoted enterprise, what type of headwear does one need to stay a step ahead of online hackers? A white hat. And what size data will invariably become a currency now? Big. And what sooty means of extraction will be required to get this data? Mining. Which end of things will continue to mysteriously pull the strings for just about everything? The back end. What objects is the internet now of ? Things.