Me, a TD? It would be a privilege

IHAVE decided this week to go into politics. It’s not the money that’s attracting me, or the power as such. It’s not the minor celebrity or the Dail bar. The truth of it is that I am a very petty man, with a lot of grudges and a lot of scores to settle. There’s more than a few people I’ve come up against along the way that I’d like to call out. So I’m running for election for the same reason any sane individual would. For Dail privilege. Apparently you can say whatever you want in a court of law too, but I think an election is possibly more imminent than me completing legal training.

There are many things militating against me going into politics. Like everyone, I have my baggage and my skeletons in the cupboard. But Mick Wallace seems to do okay in elections, and God knows Gerry has no problem topping the poll, so I think my own past will be small potatoes next to that.

Anyway, even if my enemies and those I have wronged in the past do come out of the woodwork, they’ll be no match for me. I will have superpowers. I will have Dail privilege. So I’ll just say what I want about them all.

My one worry is how long the next government would last. I hope it’s slightly more stable than this one. Because I have a lot to get off my chest. I’m thinking I’ll start small, with various customer service gripes I have. I have often felt that my voice was not being heard by everyone from motor insurance companies to online electronics sellers. You have to waste a lot of time on the phone trying to get through, and even then it can be a struggle to get a real human to vent your spleen to.

A place in the Dail will allow me to circumnavigate all that ‘if your query relates to a new policy press 1 now’ business by simply calling them out in the Dail. And crucially, when I enumerate my frustrations with them in the Dail, they won’t be there to answer back. And if I do exaggerate my grievances a bit, what’s the worst that can happen? A rap on the knuckles for abusing Dail privilege?

I think 25 years of customer service gripes could take up my speaking time for a full Dail term. After that, I would intend to move on to the more personal realm. I won’t be calling out everyone who has slighted me or looked crooked at me down the years, but I have a top 50 I’d like to get through. This will include everything from women who didn’t return my affections to men who bested me in an argument in front of other people. I will have my revenge on them all for those humiliations. I’ll have the ultimate last word that is Dail privilege.

There’s plenty more. Various gardai who wronged me, business dealings I felt short-changed in, various public figures that I just don’t like for irrational reasons of my own, and certain privileged people of whom I am jealous.

But watch out, baby, because come the next election, I’ll be the privileged one.