What can I do about my parents’ toxic marriage?

QI’ve just started my first year in college, and I have three younger brothers at home. Growing up, I’d always presumed my parents’ marriage was happy.

But I’m beginning to realise how bitter and toxic it really is, and I don’t know what to do.

My mother is and always has been the main breadwinner. My father works from home and acted as a sort of househusband. His businesses have enjoyed only very brief periods of success, and I know my mother resents his lack of earnings, while he in turn resents her earning power, and also feels depressed about his failures. My mother is often sharply critical about his failures, and he holds grudges about her comments. My father is outgoing, and enjoys going to the pub, while she feels unwanted. She does not have many friends. They’ve slept in separate rooms for over three years now. I love them both, but their behaviour is childish and bitter. They both want out of their marriage, but the mortgage, and us, the children, means they stay in this toxic relationship.

AIT is interesting as we mature how we view our parents differently. I suppose part of the reason is that children and early teenagers feel that the world revolves around them and are quite selfish. Then as time goes by and they begin to see things from an adult point of view their attitudes change. So even though your parents may have behaved as you describe for many years you are only now realising that they have a lot of difficulties.

Your parents certainly do not have an ideal relationship and you can see the cracks that were no doubt always there but you are only now observing. From what you say it seems that they have both confided in you about wanting to get out of the marriage and that places you in a very difficult position as you love them both.

Sleeping in separate rooms does not always signify the end of a relationship. It can be that the partners have different sleeping patterns or that one of them snores.

However with what is going on in the relationship I can understand that you feel it is a sign that things have become worse over the last three years.

There is really very little that you can do, apart from assuring them both that you love them, because you certainly cannot be expected to act as peacemaker. You can however suggest that they seek help in the form of counselling.

Counselling may help them see things more from each other’s point of view and therefore help the relationship.