My loveless marriage forced me to stray, but where is it going to end?

QYou have had letters, where one partner in a relationship has called time on sex or any form of intimacy, which I can relate to.

I’m in my early 50s as is my wife and I’ve suggested all the usual remedies, ie, more time together, counselling, massage, kiss and cuddle, all to no avail.

To the world outside we look great but we are not. In recent times I’ve met a woman who is unattached and we ended up in bed. I feel guilty but she gives me affection and love as well as sex.

What is your advice, if any, Mary? We have teenage children and my mind is torn as to where this will go.

ATHIS is one of the great dangers when a couple are not having a sex life — one of them will go elsewhere for sex and possibly end up having an affair.

This is happening with you as you are becoming emotionally involved with this woman as well as having sex with her.

As you are probably aware there are a few different scenarios which may eventually happen.

Your wife may find out what is going on and then things will never be the same between you again, no matter what ultimately happens.

As your children are in their teens they will also very likely be told what has happened.

Or the affair may run its course and you will end it as you will be feeling too guilty to allow it to continue.

Alternatively, you may decide to leave your wife as soon as your children have finished school or college and have moved on.

All of these options have pros and cons, and people will probably express sympathy for your wife who is at the moment unaware of what is going on.

But she made the choice, for whatever reason, not to work towards regaining a sex life, despite all that you offered.

As one writer put it to me ‘it is very difficult to be cut out of a partner’s life with no explanation and to start playing some game of dodge. Games are not fun when one player hasn’t been told they are being played.’

People in a similar position to yours have found it helpful to play out different outcomes in their heads.

So, for instance, imagine what would happen if you decided to tell your wife that you have fallen for somebody else, and then telling your children, even to the extent of choosing what words you would use.

This focuses the mind and helps decide on the best course of action.

I have seen cases where the husband decided that there was no way he could go through with it because of what he would have to tell his children, and yet other cases where it made him determined to force a conclusion to what was a deeply unhappy situation .

There is a certain level of excitement generated when somebody is in the middle of an affair and this can also influence decision making.

So be very aware of what you stand to lose either by leaving the marriage or being found out.

At the very least you should have one more conversation with your wife, telling her you are finding it increasingly difficult to survive without love and affection and ask how she suggests you cope.