There’s a huge void in my life but I decided to stay

QI have been a loyal reader of the Sunday Independent for more than 50 years and admire the work you do. I would like to make some observations on the topic of lack of physical intimacy. Our two children are now relatively young adults and have seen and heard plenty of difficulties in their parents’ marriage.

Notwithstanding, I believe that their high educational attainment has given them both the sophistication to understand the loving support of their father, despite the absence of physical displays of affection between their parents.

My wife suffers from severe depression which was diagnosed as bipolar, though personally I believe her condition is closer to personality disorder. She has suffered from the condition for many years and has not desired sex or affection for the past 13 years. During that time I worked as a full-time professional and also grafted extensively doing private work.

As I have the same sex drive I had when I got married (in my early thirties), you can imagine the difficulties I experienced during the interim.

I could have walked away from my responsibilities but I didn’t. There are times when I crave love, affection and physical intimacy. There is a profound void in my life. I haven’t had an affair, though I have weakened occasionally in that direction. Although the emotional abuse has been significant over the years, I feel content in the knowledge that my children were saved from the care system because I elected to stay.

My religious faith has also sustained me. I don’t require counselling because I know how we arrived at our current ‘emotional location’. Although it’s not an easy road to travel, I know there are many suffering significantly greater hardships throughout the world.

AI ADMIRE your tenacity and dedication to your marriage and how seriously you have taken your role as parent. You say you don’t need counselling because you know what has caused your difficulties, but I do hope that you have somebody with whom you can discuss all of this — a trusted friend or pastor perhaps, because it must be very difficult to keep it all to yourself. Be careful that in putting the needs of your children above everything else that you don’t compromise your own mental wellbeing.

Aware do wonderful work and they also have support groups for the families of those affected by depression. Visit www.aware.ie for more details.