Enda’s unseen Trump speech

HELLO Washington. Good evening White House. I’m Enda Kenny and let me tell you it’s been a long road for me to get here today with this precious shamrock. Shamrock is scarcer than lettuce this year and there were those who said we shouldn’t waste it on you people.

Indeed, a bit like Mayo in an All Ireland, there were many who said I’d never be here again. But I have a rolling calendar of events keeping me going and I’ ll be damned if I’m giving up on it. Roll on Tokyo, that’s what I say. How would it look if I, as president, I mean Taoiseach, of Ireland was not at the 2020 Olympics to represent us? But tell that to Leo.

Before I give the main speech, I was supposed to read you a long list of complaints about you Mr Trump. It was written by Katherine Zappone and it was added to by Shane Ross, who seems to have come down with late-onset leftiedom in his old age.

Anyway you’ll all be glad to hear that I don’t know what came over me but I went off and shredded that document. I feel terrible about it, but there you go. Indeed, not to be repeated outside of this room, but I would like to distance myself from Zappone and Mary Robinson and all that crowd in their Chairman Mao suits. And can I say, on that subject, that it’s nice to see that here in the White House, women dress like women. I think we all know things would have been different under Hillary, who wasn’t averse to a bit of Mao chic herself.

Speaking of ambitious first wives, I’m disappointed Melania is not here, or even living here.

Fionnuala was very much looking forward to bonding with her. Fionnuala has a great gift for friendship, though she has in the past been indiscriminate in whom she befriended. There was that Obama woman for example. Fionnuala knew no better at the time and obviously we would like to make clear that that is very much in the past now.

My message here today is clear. Donald Trump is a friend of Ireland, but please don’t tell anyone at home I said that. Anyone who was willing to swoop into Ireland and buy up our hotels at bargain basement prices is a friend of Ireland. I see Wilbur Ross is here too, or as he’s known in Ireland, the only man who didn’t lose all his pension pot by putting it into Bank of Ireland shares.

And I would like to finish up by inviting you, President Trump, to come and visit us in Ireland.

I can guarantee you will be met wherever you go by huge and very vocal crowds and especially very many of our women will want to mark the visit by gathering. Don’t focus too much on what they are shouting. It will be in Irish so it will be some variation on Cead Mile Failte. Trump Abu! Goodnight Washington.