A week is a very long time in ‘new politics’

Seven days in the wacky world of Leinster House does little to lift the lethargic mood in the corridors of power, writes Kevin Doyle

‘In Valletta, Kenny finally saw fit to talk to hacks who’d travelled 3,500 miles’

THE walls of Leinster House could fall in and nobody would care so long as it didn’t cause a general election.

It might elicit a few shoulder shrugs but such is the lethargic mood in the corridors of power that even that might be too much effort.

Last week brought us the most overhyped visit of a foreign dignitary since Boris Yeltsin’s no-show, an obligatory row over water and details of the Taoiseach’s 20-hour days in Davos.

The fact we all got so excited about Stephen Donnelly’s hokey-pokey dance across the chamber to Fianna Fail shows how devoid of real relevance the whole place has become.

It began last Monday with the arrival of the ever glamorous but somewhat subdued British prime minister.

This was flagged weeks ago as a significant milestone in the wearisome journey towards Brexit.

Theresa May and Enda Kenny were to finally shed some light on how the whole thing is going to go down.

So keen was everybody to create an air of suspense that the media pack was told to be in Dublin Castle for Garda sanitisation by 1pm. Camera crews had to be there by 10.30am.

Several hours after the tea and coffee ran out, we were bussed to Government Buildings in time to stand outside for an hour.

Eventually, after 6pm, when the two leaders decided to face the press (or at least the couple handpicked by Kenny’s advisers to ask questions), we learned that the new buzzwords were “frictionless” and “seamless”.

Brexit still meant Brexit. And while we’re not going back to borders of the past, we were still no closer to knowing what borders of the future look like.

And with that May was ‘seamlessly’ escorted back to Dublin Airport.

Roll on Tuesday and the Dail is engulfed by talk of that “eejit” Donald Trump.

TDs spend enough time arguing over whether to have a special slagging match (sorry, debate) about the new US President that they would have had it done while they fought.

When the daily opportunity for deputies to ask questions on promised legislation arrived, Fine Gael TD for Louth Peter Fitzpatrick found himself bottom of the list and not for the first time.

“This is my fourth day on the trot trying to speak on a specific topic and I indicated early. The same mouthpieces keep wasting the time of the House,” he declared.

He went so far as to suggest the Ceann Comhairle was deliberately ignoring Fine Gael backbenchers.

“I am sure most of the six Deputies who were not called to speak today are from Fine Gael. Is there any chance we will get fair play?”

As it happened, three of the six luckless TD were from the Government party.

Wednesday is usually the busiest day in Leinster House but it actually kicked off at the Digital Hub in Dublin 8 where the Taoiseach and Minister for Jobs Mary Mitchell O’Connor were launching the latest instalment of the Action Plan for Jobs.

It’s like the old Britannica encyclopaedias. They add a few new bits every year in the hope of flogging some extra copies.

Everybody instinctively flicked to the Brexit section to find 20 vague actions. “Intensify work with companies to grow export opportunities and diversify into markets outside the UK,” was one.

After an hour of speeches, the Taoiseach/Brexit Minister decided he wouldn’t be taking any questions from the media.

Mitchell O’Connor complained that not enough TDs showed up in solidarity for her efforts.

In fairness, some of them were busy back in the Dail debating a commission of investigation into Nama — which Michael Noonan said mightn’t even happen.

For two hours they mused, with the only real conclusion being that the Public Accounts Committee is bringing out a report on its probe into Nama in a fortnight and no decision can be made before that.

The fact that the committee has been working on the report for months was no secret but that didn’t stop the debate.

This was also the day that Peter Fitzpatrick finally got to ask his question. He wanted to know if a constituent could get a medical card.

Brid Smith of the AAA-PBP asked the Taoiseach to report on his time at the World Economic Forum in Davos.

She speculated that Kenny might have been invited to some of the “lavish parties attended by film stars, billionaires and oligarchs”.

Alas, those things are more Leo’s kind of gig. “I assure the Deputy that I was not invited to any of the celebrity parties on the slopes of Davos,” the Taoiseach replied.

Thursday brought a string of votes in the House on all sorts of private members’ bills/motions. The only problem is, as Government TDs so often tell us privately, votes don’t matter any more.

The only one who seems to be progressing real legislation is Tanaiste Frances Fitzgerald, so she put in a long day.

It reached a point where she must have thought she was losing her senses when Mick Wallace began to love-bomb her.

“The Minister was here late last night, early this morning for Leaders’ Questions and the Order of Business and she also dealt this afternoon with the legislation relating to sex workers.

“It is no fun for any of us, or the staff, to be here at 7pm on a Thursday evening,” he said, giggling.

He was less praiseworthy of the poor Ceann Comhairle, joking that “he probably has nothing better to do”.

Outside on the plinth, Donnelly was proving once again the fickleness of Irish politics.

He wasn’t taking back anything he said about the “stale cartel” of Fianna Fail and Fine Gael. Instead, the smooth-talking Wicklow man had just decided he couldn’t beat them so he’d join them.

In Maynooth the Taoiseach, who is sporting a black eye after an altercation with a bush in Mayo, was launching a public consultation on a plan for Ireland 2040 while simultaneously admitting the Government is not prepared to meet the “massive infrastructural requirements” needed to promote balanced regional development.

The shy leader again refused to do a doorstep with the media, lest they ask any awkward questions before he took off to Malta for an informal meeting of EU chiefs.

In Valletta, Kenny did finally see fit to answer a few questions from the hacks who had travelled 3,500 miles for the pleasure.

Apparently he finds Donald Trump’s late night tweeting “unusual to put it mildly”.

And that’s a week in the wacky world of new politics.