I managed to beat cancer but the treatment has killed off my sex life
QI am 54, happily married for 30 years and have two grown up kids. I contracted cancer at 45 and had the usual treatment — chemo, radiotherapy and Tamoxifen for seven years. From the very first chemo I had my last menstrual cycle and what used to be a great sex life suddenly diminished and to date has not returned. I do love my husband and am very happy in my life but my interest in sex is virtually nil. I feel nothing, I do really try but foreplay is a total waste of time and sex is painful and I am very disappointed that I have lost the desire and the lovely feelings of arousal. Don’t even mention KY/lube. I’ve tried that. It is as if that part of my body/chemistry had died. Even reading Fifty Shades of Grey does absolutely nothing for me. My husband is very understanding and I have assured him I have not “gone off him”. I just do not have the wonderful feelings of arousal I had up to the illness. I have read some self-help books that advise that this happens to some women and to be content with extra cuddles and holding hands stuff, which sounds nice but very final. I live in hope. Have you any advice?
ATHE whole area of post-cancer sexual functioning is not spoken or written about very often. Perhaps it is felt that the cancer sufferer should be glad to be alive and not complain about the effect the cancer has had on their sex lives. It is actually the treatment for the cancer rather than the cancer itself that causes the problems. For instance, chemotherapy can damage the ovaries causing menopause in younger women, radiation can irritate the delicate lining of the vagina leading to a decrease in the natural lubrication that arousal brings, and medication used to treat pain, nausea, depression or anxiety can decrease a woman’s desire for sex.
It has been reported that about half the female survivors of breast and pelvic area cancers develop long-term sexual problems, and you are one of the unlucky ones. It is incredibly sad that you have gone from a very satisfying and happy sex life to one such as you describe, so in a way you will have been going through your own sort of grieving process.
I’m glad that you have reassured your husband that you feel just the same about him as you did before the illness — partners of cancer sufferers sometimes get ignored.
Let’s first look at the pain that you experience when having sex. You are certainly not going to look forward to having sex if it hurts. It will naturally contribute to your lack of libido. So the first thing you have to do is to try and overcome this. It is likely that you have vaginal atrophy from going into menopause at the age of 45 and a low dose of vaginal oestrogen — either ring, cream or vaginal tablet can be very effective, over time, in reversing this atrophy. This, of course, would be done in consultation with your oncologist because of the risk factor, although there is currently no evidence that lowdose vaginal oestrogen therapy increases the risk of recurrence of the cancer. A non-medical tip is to insert a vitamin E oil capsule in the vagina every night or morning, and not at the same time as the vaginal oestrogen if you do try it. A hormone specialist with whom I was in contact stressed that you should avoid “natural” or “bioidentical” products — they often contain plant oestrogen or actual oestrogen and if taken orally it is unknown what risk they have of contribution to a cancer recurrence.
If you find that things are improving over time with regard to the atrophy then you can turn your attention to your libido issues. An acupuncturist I know has had a lot of success in treating women of all ages with lack of libido and although she hasn’t yet treated anybody who has had cancer treatment she feels it would be to your benefit to have some acupuncture sessions. Sex therapy can also play a role here — especially if you are still experiencing painful intercourse despite treating the atrophy. A friend who has been through two different cancer treatments tells me that she finds using a vibrator an immense help in getting aroused and she uses this before she has sex. This is another avenue for you to explore if you haven’t already done so.
I am trying not to be unrealistic and say that everything will be fine but it is worth exploring every avenue to try to get back to where you were before the illness.