An idiot’s guide to the election that left us all dumbfounded

All is changed, changed utterly. A terrible something or other was born last week. And Eilis O’Hanlon tries to make some sense of it all

SOMEONE should have told Theresa May the old joke: “If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.” What are you on about? Haven’t you heard? The vicar’s daughter with a penchant for snazzy shoes and naughtily running through wheat fields may have got more votes than any Tory leader since 1983, but last Thursday’s general election in the UK also saw big gains for Jeremy Corbyn’s Labour Party, resulting in a hung parliament.

I’ve been saying hanging’s too good for that lot for years.

It’s just an expression. It means no party has a majority to form a government on its own.

That can’t be right, surely? The Prime Minister went into the election 20 points ahead in the polls. The whole purpose of a snap ballot was to give her an increased majority so that she could go to Brussels and whip all the euroweenies into shape at the Brexit talks.

Don’t shoot the messenger. It’s not my fault that so many young people voted for the nice old man with the beard who’s friends with terrorists and never met a piece of economy-destroying Marxist dogma he didn’t like.

So what’s going to happen now? Another election?

That might be inevitable in a few months. Until then, May is staying on in Downing Street, with the support of the Democratic Unionist Party. You’re joking? I wish I was.

Those religious nutters who are against same-sex marriage, hate the Irish language and think all Catholics should be sterilised at birth to stop them outbreeding good, decent Protestants up North?

I’m not sure that’s how the UK’s fifth biggest party would officially describe themselves, but yes, the same ones.

Yikes. How’s that going to work?

God only knows. It won’t be a formal coalition, but a ‘confidence and supply agreement’, whereby Arlene Foster will instruct her 10 MPs to support the Tories in getting a Budget through, and to vote down any motions of no confidence in the minority government, in return for getting what she wants. Which is? More money for farming, perhaps. Measures to address Northern Ireland’s legacy issues. Oh yes, and anything that strengthens and protects the Union between Great Britain and Northern Ireland. Sinn Fein must be happy. Over the moon. They’re certainly not going to get their beloved border poll now. Arlene won’t allow that to happen in a month of holy Ulster Sabbaths. And they definitely won’t be getting their wish for her to step aside. Talks on restoring power sharing look set to drag on indefinitely.

How does antagonising nationalists help safeguard the Union? Wouldn’t it be better protected by compromising with the other side?

This is Northern Ireland we’re talking about. Sometimes the desire to get one over on Themmuns just overwhelms local leaders. They can’t help it.

That arrangement certainly doesn’t sound very “strong and stable” either way. Sinn Fein MPs should lend their support to Corbyn so he can be PM instead.

It wouldn’t work. You’re forgetting that SF don’t actually take their seats in Westminster.

Why do they bother standing for them then?

It’s complicated.

Fair enough. A Tory/DUP deal it is then. What does that mean for the talks on Brexit? They must be off now, surely?

Not in the slightest. Brexit is still well and truly on. Theresa May has decided to act as if Thursday night never happened.

Sounds bizarre. The plotting in the Tory Party to remove her must be well under way as we speak.

What a scandalous suggestion. Brexit Minister David Davis is standing fully behind her.

So that he can stick the knife in her back more effectively when the right moment comes, no doubt.

I couldn’t possibly comment.

In the meantime, the Prime-Minister-For-Now fully intends to lead her country into talks on leaving the EU. And the DUP’s happy to tag along with her, because they really, really want Brexit to happen.

But didn’t Northern Ireland, like Scotland, vote to remain part of the European Union last year?

It did, but it was mainly the Fenians who did that, and we all know how untrustworthy they are. The main thing is that the UK as a whole chose to leave the EU, and the DUP was not put on this earth to thwart the collective will of the Great British people.

Terrific. So it’s back to a hard border, together with checkpoints and long queues at customs?

Not necessarily. The DUP may want a hard Brexit, but they also want a soft border. Isn’t that a contradiction? You’d think. But it’s been one of those weeks. There’s even speculation that Britain might end up accepting the so-called Norwegian option whereby they’re not strictly speaking in the EU but pay for access to the single market in return for accepting most EU directives.

Where’s the benefit in going for a Brexit so watered down that it’s not really Brexit at all?

It would stop the Tories having to admit they’ve made a pig’s ear of the whole thing. You know how politicians hate doing that.

Say no more. Are there any other ways Brexit can be avoided?

There are a number of possible scenarios in which Brexit might not happen. There certainly doesn’t seem to be a natural majority any more in the House of Commons for pulling the UK out of the single market.

At least that’s good for Ireland, right? We never wanted the Brits to leave the EU in the first place.

True, but a lot could go wrong between now and then. No one’s getting the Champagne out yet.

What do EU leaders make of it?

When they stop laughing, I’ll let you know.

It’s easy for them to snigger. It’s Ireland which will bear the brunt of a bad Brexit.

Indeed. That’s why politicians in Dublin may privately be thinking “we told you it was mad to hold a referendum”, but are publicly offering the UK every comfort in its hour of need. All we want is to keep selling our stuff to them without having to pay huge tariffs, and to be able to pop over to watch the football without any hassle. That’s not too much to ask for, is it?

Enda Kenny is going to have his work cut out anyway, with SF running in and out of his office to complain at every little thing that nasty double-headed Tory/DUP monster tries to do.

You really haven’t been keeping up with developments, have you? There’s a new taoiseach in town.

Has anyone told the DUP that he’s gay yet?

One thing at a time. They’re still struggling with the news that the Scottish Tory leader is a lesbian. Interesting times. You can say that again.

‘The DUP was not put on this earth to thwart the will of the Great British people‘