I would love to contact my brother’s ‘secret’ daughter

A

QI recently found out that my brother has a child who he does not see. The little girl is four years old. To say I am stunned is an understatement. Not only because I am the last to know but because I have a niece my brother doesn’t see.

My brother had a one-night stand while married. His wife forgave him and they agreed he would have no contact with the child. I told my brother that someday his little girl will want to know who her dad is and he should be having a relationship with her. He pays maintenance but has told me in order to keep his wife, he will not have contact with her.

The thing is I cannot get this little girl out of my head. I was given her name and what county she lives in and through social media I have found out who her mum is. I would really like to make contact with her if only to have a picture of her. It hurts me to think the little girl will grow up without knowing who her family are. I would really appreciate any advice as to what I should do. I can fully understand your wish to get to know your niece at some level. This must all have been very traumatic for your brother and his wife, but they worked out a compromise which enabled them to save their marriage. I can also fully understand your wish to get to know your niece even at a distance — but you have to be very careful not to do anything to jeopardise your brother’s marriage by being seen to interfere.

But this little girl has rights too, and she deserves to know her relatives if at all possible. You cannot go behind your brother’s back. Can you ask him if he would be agreeable to you making contact with the child’s mother with the understanding that he is not involved? You don’t know how she feels about what has happened, and this would be a big factor in whether or not she would allow contact by you. There are a lot of variables in this particular story so you will have to tread carefully.