Tommy Tiernan

Parables for life

This week, I’m speaking in parables. Well, there was a nice pot of fat under an altar inside in a church, and ‘twas put there by a cat and a mouse to tide them over the winter, whenever it came. One day in the middle of spring, didn’t the cat come in and lick the top of it off, and the mouse was watching through the stained-glass window and didn’t say a word. Another day, the cat came in and ate half the fat, and the mouse again didn’t say a word. Last day, the cat came in and polished off the rest of it and the mouse came up the aisle and said, “Hey, you’re after ateing all the fat!”

And the cat took a swipe of the mouse and ate it. And the priest was outside, putting flowers on graves.

Any questions? Simple enough to understand. In a way. It’s obvious and elusive. You’re sure it means something, but you’re not sure what. Read it again if you have to.

Here’s another one. Once upon a time, there was a frog living at the bottom of a wet well. One day, a golden ball fell in on top of his head and he scurried up to the top, bringing the ball with him, balanced on his noggin. Wasn’t there a beautiful princess there. “Give us back me ball,” she said. “Chop off me head,” said the frog, “and you can have it.” “Just give us me ball,” she said. “Chop off me head,” says the frog. “Give us me ball and I’ll chop off your head.”

So he gave her the ball and she had a knife handy and she lobbed the head off him. He turned into a beautiful prince. “Jaysus,” she said, “you’re gorgeous.” And he looked around him. “Do you know what?” says he. “What?” says she.

And without saying a word, he jumped back into the well. And she went home and left the golden ball behind her.

Well isn’t there eating and drinking in that one? Don’t try and figure it out. It’s not a crossword clue.

Once upon a time, there was a boar; a wild, evil boar with tusks that’d kill ya. The villagers were terrified. A good man was walking one day toward the boar and he had a silver spear in his hand, intending on piercing the boar’s heart with it. And he did, and the boar lay dead and rotted, while the tusks lay on the ground. Soon after that, the good man died, and the people were sad because they loved him. In praise, they took his bones and turned them into trumpets and horns and they played the sweetest music and the people were happy to hear it.

In the forest, the dark, cruel tusks of the boar lay unplayed on the ground until the ghost of the good man picked them up and used them for music. When the people were alone in their beds at night, they listened to the sad, lonesome music, and they were not afraid.

Hah? Powerful stuff. As Dolores says, let it linger. It’s getting relentless now, I know. Hard to tell the wood from the trees. Leave the paper down if you have to. I’ll still be here when you get back.

Well, the moon costs money, you know. Fifty cent a night. Money that has to be given to the aul hag that sits on the corner of Market St. The ugliest thing that ever lived, she is, collecting money for the moon. And if she doesn’t get enough money, well, the moon starts to fade away and the women get cranky, because, you see, the moon keeps them beautiful, and if nobody pays money to keep it bright, then they get more frightful-looking and cross.

But when it’s full, well they dance and sing and are happy. So if you pass by an old hag, badder than cabbage, and she’s sitting on the corner of Market St with her hairy hand held out, be sure to give her some money.

I’m not sure how many more of these you can handle, but it’s Sunday. Did you go to Mass? You probably didn’t, good enough for ya.

I’ve left the hardest one till last. You could be a lifetime living with this one and not unravel it at all...

There were these three green leaves and they healed, you see. They brought the dead back to life. One on the eye, one on the other eye and one on the mouth. God had them, and he gave them to his son. After that, they were passed around secretly. Whoever had them had the power. Didn’t a snake get them. A princess was dead and all her family sad; the most beautiful, nicest girl in the world. Well, the snake brought her back to life, but when she woke, sure she wasn’t the same woman at all.

She had the horn for some other chap now, a sailor, and the sailor was mad for her too, and he threw her aul husband off the ship and he drowned. Well, a servant chap found the leaves and swam to the bottom of the ocean and brought the husband back to life, and he was in an awful temper. Cursing and raging, he summoned a storm to deal with his missus and the whole sea heaved and every one of them drowned. The sailor, the princess, and the husband.

In the tempest, the three leaves got separated and became powerless, and, in time, every thing died. The snake, the servant and God.

Well, that’s enough of that. I’m heading out for a walk now to try and come back to meself. Good luck.