KATY HARRINGTON

Need flirting tips? Watch and learn

Having recently decided that the guy I was ‘seeing’ (by that I mean he’d call me once a week at 4am and an hour later I’d turn up on his doorstep, like a pizza) was unsuitable (and by that I mean a train-wreck womaniser with a serious drug habit) I’ve defected back to Tinder. I wearily upload some new photos of myself smiling nervously and write my one word bio: “Undateable.” Encouragingly, it seems some men like the idea of a challenge and two of my matches are particularly handsome. I send the first a message: “I have an internet crush on you.” This is the very best I can do at flirting, and is mildly better than “I never give a single f*** if the toilet seat is up or down but I crave approval and would like to sleep with you at least three times a week,” which is what I’d like to say. He responds jovially: “Ha! I’m not sure what that means.” Oh God, please don’t let him be dumb. “It means I like your face,” I helpfully explain. You are witnessing the subtle art of flirting in motion here folks. “I find your face particularly pleasing too,” he replies. I’m tempted to say “then let’s stop beating around the bush and mash them together”, but instead opt for the more nuanced “Whachupta?” Are you taking notes? After a little more of this scintillating back and forth we arrange a date which I’m pretty sure he will never show up for. Now to make hottie number two fall in love with me... this should take at least five minutes. James is 6ft 4 with a wild head of hair, beard and a personal style that could best be described as ‘woodcutter’. James also has initiative, which is more than I can say for the first bozo. We agree on many things (the genius of Ralph Wiggum, Curb Your Enthusiasm and drinking red wine in the sun). His opening gambit is: “How undateable are you?” I think I’ll let him decide.