Pseudo cream

Strong, rude curries turn me on. You’re with me, right? I love spicy food that terrifies my tonsils. And the hotter the blaze, the bigger the appeal. Only curries and PMT truly afford me the freedom to curse like an angry otter with Tourettes.

That roar and sting contains some mighty compounds to service dull conversations and inattentive husbands. Chillis help to increase heart rate, making it feel like coffee cantering through our veins. Or twerking our brain cells. Forget caffeine. Chilli is far more effective.

Then there’s capsaicin, Mother N’s very own painkiller. Capsaicin is a compound found inside chillis, and happens to be deliciously devious. This recreational compound (kidding! ish) helps to alleviate aches by messing with the transmission of pain signals to the brain.

The highest concentration of capsaicin can be found in the white pith where the seeds are attached, and not in the seeds themselves.

Weathering the heat of a chilli depends on how much cooling yoghurt you can get your mitts on. It helps. Enormously. As does industrial-strength mascara — at least you know you’ll still look deadly sobbing at your mate’s dinner table.

So what do vegans do, if they don’t do dairy? Who cares, I hear you scream!

I had a bunch of vegan pals around for a white-hot curry last week, and stopped breathing when I realised I couldn’t pair the heat with cooling clouds of dairy. A maniacal dialogue with self, and a sneaky smoke signal on Instagram, resulted in this shockingly good alternative — 100pc animal-free. 0pc stress.

Desperation has never let me down. (Well, not since 2016, anyway. The 1980s didn’t count. For anyone.)