Am I young or old? What should I wear?

Ijust don’t seem to be able to make a decision any more when it comes to what people of my age should be wearing. Am I young or old? Do I resort to tweeds and twin sets, or can I still wear a denim jacket? A friend of mine was wearing a flowery dress the other night at a party. With flat white tennis shoes. She’s my age, and she looked great. Could I get away with that, I thought? I decided definitely not because she is extremely petite and I’m not. So I would look big-girl-foolish in it. But for a while I considered it as my next look. Thankfully, when I sobered up, I realised the folly of my thoughts.

I decided recently that I needed a bit of height to enable me to look thinner, and given that I can no longer wear heels because of the dreaded bunions — added to the fact that my balance appears to be gone — I decided on platforms. Wrong move. They were reduced in a very expensive shop and that sets off all sorts of bells in my brain which I always choose to ignore.

A bargain, I think, conveniently forgetting that the fact that they are reduced is a fair indication nobody else wanted them. They had silver sequins everywhere but they also had the required all-important platform. Sweet Jesus what was I thinking? I wore them that same night to the party and managed to closely resemble a bridge player in Vegas. On speed. And, of course, instead of shutting up and hoping nobody would notice, which wasn’t very likely considering the amount of glitter, I had to draw attention to them and take the piss out of myself for yet another bad choice. Am I too old for white jeans and do I have that saggy ass look in them from behind that older people seem to develop overnight? I just don’t know any more. I’ll have to get a personal stylist.