We need to accept that August is autumn
‘They say food is full of energy. But the more I eat, the less energy I have’
I’M not one to moan but it hasn’t been a good August, has it? From the start of the month there was an autumnal chill to the mornings. I know I’m not supposed to say it, but it has, let’s face it, been actually cold in the mornings and the evenings. And sometimes, it’s even been cold during the day.
Last week, I felt for the first time that chill in the bones after the sea. I saw someone with a hint of sniffles after getting out, and once or twice I’ve even had a slight temptation to shiver a bit on the way home.
Someone had a joke at Edinburgh that you need to sometimes ask yourself “Is my depression back or am I just hungry?” A more pertinent question might be, has the autumn come early again or am I just hungry? I could eat all the time now, just sit in front of the TV eating comforting foods. I’m gone mad on bread. I crave sugar. I want to melt cheese over everything. I could actually live on toasted sandwiches right now, with their bready, melty-cheesiness. They comfort my soul briefly, and take the chill out of me. Funnily enough, I’m also gone mad on ice-cream. Magnum honeycombs mainly. So good you could eat two in a sitting.
And I’m refusing to accept that I’m just hungry. It’s clearly to do with the changing of the seasons. I’m like an animal piling on weight for hibernation. I’m actually thinking of getting one of those SAD-combatting lamps. Because I’ve decided that it’s the dimming of the light that’s making me eat. The funny thing is that even though they say food is full of energy, the more I eat, the less energy I have. Why would you want to get up and do anything or go anywhere while there are still Magnum honeycombs, or maybe even Magnum double coconuts, in the fridge. Damn you Tesco and your deals on ice-creams.
Every year, my theory that we have summer at the wrong time makes more sense. The Irish summer, if you ask me, is May, June and July. If we are to give the kids two of those months off school, it should be June and July. But somehow, we have become fixated on August, the start of the Irish autumn, as the big holiday month. This weekend the country is still half shut down and loads of you are probably only coming back now from various boltholes. Well guess what? It’s practically winter. Go home to your houses, and turn on the heat.
The one problem with moving the summer is obviously the knock-on effects on other seasons. If we start summer in May and then autumn in August, that means that winter starts in November, which is fair enough if you ask me. But then spring would be starting in February. I’m not sure that’s going to wash with people. Maybe we should monitor February next year and see if it could pass as spring. Alternatively, we could consider the seasons not all being the same length. Maybe winter should be four months — November to February inclusive. We cut spring down to just March and April and then we get straight into summer in May. Or maybe we split the difference and start summer in the middle of May. So you get two and half months of spring and of summer. Then again, not sure if people would go with shortening the summer. Maybe, in fact, what we should do, is get a long-range weather forecast each year and then decide the breakdown of the seasons for that year.
I think the confusion is killing us, because it’s making the turn in the seasons too long. Autumn is grand when it actually comes, and it is officially recognised as autumn, and you’re dressed for it and ready for it and you are doing appropriate autumnal things. But this kind of cognitive dissonance, whereby it’s still supposed to be summer but it’s actually autumn, isn’t helping anyone. No one knows what to wear or whether to sit inside or outside when going for a drink.
Of course I am conscious that it could be a blazing hot day by the time you read this and you’ll be all like, “What the hell is this idiot on about?”
Indeed, September is nearly upon us and that could prove to be better than August. In fact, that happens so often that you wonder if we should just do a straight swap — put August into autumn, and then, when September starts, go back to summer for maybe the first few weeks of the month.
Note: This piece is not based on any meteorological expertise.