You’re never too old to say you’ve had enough
‘Slaps from a hard hand designed to dominate’
THERE was a case in the papers this week, where a judge advised a couple who’ve been married almost 50 years to undertake mediation rather than go to court against each other. She’d sought a protection order against her husband after she alleged that he smashed plates, verbally abused her and slapped her a number of times. The judge advised them that mediation would be preferable to an adversarial court system which could “contaminate the next chapter of their lives”.
And I get where he’s coming from. They’re clearly older. Probably in their seventies, and old age pensioners being put through the wringer of court and ending up alone at that stage of their lives seems sad and not even sensible.
Especially if you think, as the husband said, that the whole thing was “much ado about nothing” and who, when asked by the guards to give an undertaking to keep the peace, refused to do so.
If that’s how you think, then going to court for a protection order against a man you’ve been married to for 50 years seems foolish and something the old dears should simply sort out.
However what if that’s not what the wife thinks? What if she, now getting older, frailer, weaker doesn’t feel safe living out her days with a man who thinks it’s no big deal, when he’s unhappy, to verbally abuse her; which is legal-speak for screaming cruel, insulting things that demean and erode you and instil fear.
What if the crashing sounds of smashed plates, flung in anger, fill her with panic, wondering will one hit her or what level of violence is being built up to this time? And then that scene culminates in a number of slaps. Picture that? Slaps from a hard hand that are designed to dominate, to force submission. Designed to hurt, humiliate but ultimately control her through force and make sure she knows who’s in charge. Make sure she knows what she is and isn’t allowed to do in his domain.
And of course we can’t say from the report if this is an isolated incident. If this man who doesn’t think much of a few slaps, has ever done this before. Maybe this 70-year-old man has suddenly out of the blue begun flinging plates and verbally abusing his wife and then slapping her around. Or maybe it’s more likely he puts manners on his wife this way whenever he feels undermined. Maybe since 1968 this woman has lived with the tension of his key turning in the front door and wondering what kind of a mood he’s in and afraid to tell him she burnt the dinner or one of the kids broke a lamp for fear of what that will bring.
And maybe, finally, after all these years and possibly with some support she decided enough was enough. She decided she didn’t want to be a punch bag for an old vicious man when she herself was now an old woman and no longer felt able. When now it was no longer necessary to take the hits so the children wouldn’t have to.
But she was told to mediate. Told not to “contaminate the last chapter of her life” over this episode that’s been dismissed as nothing by her husband.
When actually what she’s crying out to do is de-contaminate the final chapter of her life. Of him. So she can actually be left with some tiny slice that isn’t dominated by intimidation, fear and violence. Because this is a big deal. It’s not something that should be minimised and when she was told in court that they should be prepared to give 55pc each to make this work out — what exactly does that look like for her? Be prepared to take extra slaps? Be open to an increase in abuse?
Minimising a person’s experience of domestic violence isn’t just giving sensible, albeit patronising advice. It’s a glaring lack of understanding about what it means to be a victim for years and years of a ‘couple of slaps’, and what that does to a person. Bringing that case to court was an act of bravery and defiance for that woman. That took real courage and may in fact have put her at increased risk. Being treated as a pair of old dears who should just muddle along and enjoy their dotage adds insult to injury and exposes a dangerous ignorance on the part of our courts.