Maybe we need to ask, ‘Why the pain?’

I spend most days answering emails and messages about addictions in some form. I’m no expert on addiction, but I have lived with it all my life. I might be sober, but I’m no stranger to addictions that crop up in other forms, whether it’s neediness from others; work; sugar; or my phone. We go to such great extents to avoid ourselves. One way or another, we all want instant relief, and we live in a culture that does not support people to be with themselves. This is coming at a great cost to us all. In the Tibetan Book Of Living And Dying by Sogyal Rinpoche, there is a quote: “Whatever you do, don’t try and escape from your pain, be with it”. I ran for many years, but the one truth I have learnt is that running creates more pain. You find temporary relief in your choice of painkiller — whether it’s drugs, alcohol, people, shopping, gambling, sex, food and so on. As addiction expert Gabor Mate says, we need to stop asking, “Why the addiction?”, and start asking, “Why the pain?”